One Saliva Bubble - The Screenplay

Typed by Mike Dunn
About the formatting: I've tried to retain as close as possible the formatting of the original script, but it's not an exact copy. All the text is the same, but the spacing might be a bit different here and there. Also, I've removed the page numbers. These scripts are provided for archival purposes and for your information. If you absolutely must have an exact copy of the original script, I suggest you buy a copy of the original script from someone. Also, the original of this script contained many different font sizes which I've tried to keep here. But be forewarned: if you save this as a text file you might get some html characters as well. Also, there are two drawings that were in the script that are here, but obviously wouldn't be saved in a text file.







			ONE SALIVA BUBBLE



		   David Lynch		  Mark Frost




			   first draft 5/20/87













		     O N E  S A L I V A  B U B B L E



FADE IN:

INT. HIGH-TECH TRACKING STATION -  NIGHT

A top-secret, experimental, offensive/defensive military 
installation hidden away in the countryside outside Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania.

CLOSE on a beautiful, intricate, state of the art computer panel as 
it is lifted out of a large console.  A huge, dimly lit display 
board, sporting a galaxy of small running lights, looms above.

The panel's removal creates a large, vulnerable opening, inside of 
which is a massive confluence of electronics.

As a small group of refined, well-groomed SCIENTISTS studiously 
examine the removed panel, their intense concentration is 
periodically disrupted by the hysterical guffaws of a nearby group 
of three uniformed SECURITY GUARDS, who appear to be refugees from 
the Neolithic period.

The Guards, totally oblivious to the Scientists, are regaling each 
other with pitiful and infantile jokes.

			    GUARD #1
		... so she said to him, "poo-
		poo on your pee-pee".

The Guards explode like a pack of howling hyenas. The Scientists 
glance over at them with a look that seems to say, "How is it 
possible for us to be sharing the same planet?"

			    GUARD #2
		Did you just cut a big one or is
		Suzie back in town?

Guard #3, the biggest Neanderthal of the bunch, stops laughing long 
enough to contribute a rude, tounge-flapping raspberry, during the 
course of which ...
								CUT TO:
CLOSE ON FLAPPING TONGUE

Unbeknownst to him, Guard #3 jettisons a perfect saliva bubble out 
into the air and we follow it through space, across the room, past 
the unknowing, refined, well-groomed Scientists and down into the 
microscopic copper wires, creating a tiny, seemingly insignificant 
electrical short circuit, which will soon prove to have monumental 
consequences.
								CUT TO:

CLOSEUP COMPUTER CONTROL PANEL

Unnoticed by anyone in the room, a small, yellow light emitting 
diode blinks on, then blinks off.

								CUT TO:

EXT. EARTH'S STATOSPHERE - NIGHT

A simple, streamlined satellite, which resembles nothing so much as 
a large red onion surrounded by a hula-hoop, suddenly stops, then 
spins on its axis.  As we MOVE IN CLOSE on the satellite we hear a 
loud metallic CLICK, and a small panel slides open revealing a 
digital clock with a readout of: 24:00.  Another CLICK and the 
clock begins to count down.
								CUT TO:
EXTREME CLOSE UP

On the bubble rhythmically pulsating between the two copper wires. 
Bubble MUSIC begins and we roll CREDITS.
								CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE, KANSAS - MORNING

A billboard beside the highway on the outskirts of town reads:

			WELCOME TO NEWTONVILLE
		   LIGHTING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD ...
			WE'RE ZAPPY TO SEE YOU !!!
			     pop. 43,108

Behind the billboard, two lightning bolts crack the dry desert sky,
followed by a peal of distant thunder, under which FADES IN the 
melodic strains of a happy country waltz.

								CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - MORNING

A gigantic, old red barn, its roof adorned by a huge, cement roller 
skate, whose weatherworn wheels revolve lazily in the warm morning 
sun.  Neon sparks spray out from under the wheels.  A sign under the 
skate reads:

	     GET A CHARGE ON OUR LIGHTNING FAST SPEEDWAY!

								CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - MORNING

BIG TOM and WOODY, the rink's proprietors, sit on a small balcony 
overlooking the rink, directly above the concession stand, manned by 
RANDY, a pear-shaped menial.  Randy pours two coffees, under the 
critical supervision of Woody, a man particularly obsessive about 
the preparation of his java.

			     WOODY
		One lump you idiot.

			     RANDY
		How many lumps?

			     WOODY
		ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

			     BIG TOM
				(leaning down, kindly)
		Randy, defrost the "Beefy Cheese Louise".

			     RANDY
		Yes, sir.

Randy moves to a refrigerator, plastered with a garish sign that 
reads:
		"HOT AND JUICY BEFFY CHEESE LOUISE"

He opens it, revealing neatly arranged rows of bright yellow, 
cheese-covered hamburger patties.  Big Tom and Woody sit back, sip
their coffee, gazing out at the lone COUPLE skating around the rink.

			     BIG TOM
		Not bad business for a Wednesday.

Woody looks nervously at his watch, hardly reassured.

								CUT TO:

EXT. ROLLER RINK - MORNING

MOVING off the huge skate, we travel down the road and can't help 
but notice the large, rotating, neon lightning rod on top of an 
electric pink, pearlescent stucco building.  The sign below the rod 
reads:
			NNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD
			COMING SOON
		SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON

Ominous jazz MUSIC fades up and out as we pass Vinnie's.  Across the 
street, on the marquee of the Rialto Theatre we see the words:

			ONE WEEK ONLY
	    THE FABULOUS CHINESE ACROBATS
		     FROM THE FAR PROVINCES
								DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. USED CAR LOT - MORNING

The sign above reads:

			  LUCKY BUCK'S
		    USED CARS AND TRUCKS:
				14U
		     DON'T PASS THE BUCK

A YOUNG COUPLE examines a used Rambler, parked outside the sales 
office.
								CUT TO:
INT LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - MORNING

WALLY NEWTON, a forty year old milquetoast salesman, wilts under the 
stern finger of his boss, militaristic, ramrod-stiff LUCKY BUCK.

 			LUCKY BUCK
		Before you fall out for chow, you 
		yellow-bellied, jelly-spine, you march 
		directly out there, soldier, engage the 
		enemy, and DON'T let them look under the hood.

			WALLY
			(quivering)
		But, but the engine --

			LUCKY BUCK
		Mister, the only BUT I want to hear 
		from you is, "my butt's out there
		selling that vehicle".  Move out!

			WALLY
		Yes sir, Lucky Buck.

Wally heads directly out the door.  The door closes.  Lucky Buck 
watches him go. 
							INTERCUT:
LUCKY BUCK'S POV

Wally moves to the Couple, engages them in a conversation we don't 
hear.  The Husband points to the hood.  Wally nervously glances back 
at Lucky Buck, who stares at him.  Wally pulls his neck in and opens 
the hood.  Lucky Buck shakes his head in dismay, mutters ...

			LUCKY BUCK
		Mister, you are one sorry piece of poop.
							CUT TO:
INT. RAMBLER HOOD

Empty.  No engine.
							CUT TO:
EXT. COMPANY "B" - DAY

A large, imposing, 30's style, concrete office building, topped by a 
gigantic, blue:
				"B"
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "B" - DAY

The lobby reception area; blue carpet, blue walls.  Two EMPLOYEES 
pass by the RECEPTIONIST, all wearing standard company issue yellow 
uniforms that sport a big blue "B" on the lapel.

Looking through the glass front doors we see HORTON THURSBY, a man 
who from a distance you might mistake for Wally Newton, until you 
get close enough to feel his radioactively terrifying aura of 
twisted, homicidal power.  His eyes are like black, malignant 
bumblebees.  His sport coat is a hundred decibels.  The doors fly 
open as if to flee from him and he enters without breaking his 
juggernaut stride.  The Receptionist, who on the face of it appears 
she could give him a run for his money, looks up as he reaches the 
desk.						 

			HORTON
		Horton Thursby.

			RECEPTIONIST
		I'm sorry, there's no one here 
		by that name.

			HORTON
		    (extremely ominous)
		What did you say?

			RECEPTIONIST
		I s-s-said, no one here, that name.

			HORTON
		Because that's my name, tubby.

			RECEPTIONIST
		    (nailed to her chair)
		W-who shall I say is calling?

			HORTON
		    (leaning in very close)
		Horton Thuraby.

Panicked, she rifles through her appointment book and slams her 
finger down when she finds ...

			RECEPTIONIST
		Uh-huh, I s-s-see your name right here.

			HORTON
		I have a pointment with Mr. Biggs, 
		bean brain.

			RECEPTIONIST
		Indeed you do, of course you do, you 
		certainly do, he's expecting you, he's 
		set aside the time to --

			HORTON
		   (a finger in her face)
		That's enough.

			RECEPTIONIST
		    (nods vigorously, can't look at 
		     him, points)
		Ma-Mr. Thuraby, if you'd like to take 
		the Ex-exec-executive Elevator --

Horton's already making a beeline for the elevator; its doors zip 
open and shut behind him as he enters.
							CUT TO:
INT. EXECUTIVE ELEVATOR

Horton stands underneath a speaker, piping out insipid Muzak.  His 
icy stare travels up to the speaker.  It sputters, gasps and goes 
silent.  His gaze moves back down.
							CUT TO:

EXT AIRPORT, ZURICH, SWITZERLAND - DAY

Deep, deep snow and more falling.  The Matterhorn is visible in the 
distance.  A sign reads:

		ZURICH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
			ALWAYS ON TIME

Lederhosen clad PORTERS on skis carry in the curbside luggage of 
passengers arriving in a variety of sleds and toboggans.  A small 
herd of bell-clad COWS part as a horse-drawn sleigh pulls up and out 
hops a sprightly, middle-aged, bright-eyed, frizzy-haired genius, 
PROFESSOR HUGO ZINZERMACHER.  He walks up to the DRIVER and hands 
him a note.

			HUGO
		International Airport, please.

The Driver looks at him, looks at the note.  The note reads:

		"PLEASE TAKE THE PROFESSOR TO
		ZURICH INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT"

The Driver turns back to the Professor.

			DRIVER
		You are here.

			HUGO
		That may be, however I have a 
		plane to catch.

			DRIVER
		Please.  This IS the airport.

The Professor looks around, looks back at the Driver.

			HUGO
		Thank you so much.

He takes off his coat, hands it to the Driver and gets back into the 
sleigh.  The Driver exhales heavily.
							CUT TO:
INT. ZURICH AIRPORT TERMINAL - DAY

Doors open, the Driver hustles the Professor in through the doors, 
carrying his bag and coat.  Two young clean-cut men, BERT FINE and 
MEL GLEASON, both in bright blue uniforms with a big yellow "A" on 
the label, spot the Professor, rush across the terminal to him.

			BERT
		Professor Zinzermacher?

			HUGO
		    (cheerfully)
		No, I'm Professor Zinzermacher.

Bert and Mel look at each other.  The Driver shakes his head,  hands 
the bag and coat to Bert and Mel and walks away.

			HUGO (CONT'D)
		I am Professor Hugo Zinzermacher.
		Hugo you way und I'll go mine.

He extends a hand.  They each shake it.  Under the following wails 
the low, sonorous boom of an Alpine horn.

			BERT
		Bert Fine.

			MEL
		Mel Gleason.  It's an honor to meet 
		you, sir.
			HUGO
		You boys seemed a bit confused at 
		first.

			BERT
		It's a long flight from Kansas, we're 
		a little jet lagged.
							CUT TO:
BERT, MEL AND THE PROFESSOR

Mel looks at his watch.

			MEL
		That's us.  Have your ticket, 
		Professor?

			HUGO
		Well, I don't mind if I do.
		What kind?

Mel and Bert look at each other again.

			BERT
		Would you mind going through your 
		pockets, Professor --

			MEL
		And see if you're in possession
		of an airline ticket to Kansas.

			HUGO
		   (with a faraway look)
		What if we relate the vector on 
		a parallelogram, equidistant to but 
		not exceeding the bifurcation of 
		the remaining cardinal coordinates?

			BERT
		Mel, go through his coat --

			MEL
		    (searching him)
		You can bet that plane's going 
		to leave on time.

			BERT
		There was something in the report 
		about his socks ...

They both kneel down and each pulls up a pant leg, revealing droopy 
socks of vastly different colors.  One sock yields a toothbrush and 
the other a crumpled airline ticket which Mel immediately grabs.

			MEL
		Let's move.

They each grab one of Hugo's arms and start running him towards the 
gate.
							CUT TO:
Meanwhile, back in Newtonville, Kansas...
INT. COMPANY "B" BOARDROOM - DAY

Thwack!  A telescoping pointer in the hand of Company "B"'s CEO, MR. 
BIGGS, smacks into a lifesize photograph of Professor Zinzermacher 
on the wall of the Company "B" boardroom.  In the photograph, the 
Professor's shoelaces are wildly askew.  His rumpled, tweed suit is 
encrusted with food.  His frizzled hair looks like a bird's nest.  A 
small retinue of yellow-clad FUNCTIOMARIES sit at the conference 
table, giving Horton, at the far end, a wide berth.

			MR. BIGGS
		He can't even tie his own shoes, 
		yet he's one of the greatest minds of 
		Western Civilization, and who's got him?
		Company "A"!!  According to Mr. Posthole, 
		our worthy mole who's penetrated the 
		innermost sanctums of Company "A" --

CAMERA drifts over and finds MR. POSTHOLE, the Company "B" spy, a 
shifty blonde guy in brick-thick black hornrims.

			MR. BIGGS (CONT'D)
		-- they've purchased Professor Zinzermacher's 
		brainpower for their covert Center for 
		Advanced Nucleacly Abritrary Permutations 
		Experimentation, also known as C.A.N.A.P.E. 
		Yes, they've got the Professor.  But, ladies 
		and gentlemen, not for long, because we've 
		got Mr. Horton Thursby.

Everyone smiles and all eyes turn to Horton.  He doesn't flinch.

			MR. BIGGS (CONT'D)
		Thursby, this ... is your target.

CLOSE on Horton, as he squints at Hugo's picture.

							CUT TO:
HORTON'S POV

Hugo's picture comes into focus and cross-hairs appear between his 
eyes, as if looking through the telescopic sight of an elephant gun.

							CUT TO:
HORTON

As he lights a cigarette, inhales a big drag.  His eyes flit back to 
Mr. Biggs.

			HORTON
		It's your money.

The Functionary nearest to Horton subtly moves the tabletop "THANK 
YOU FOR NOT SMOKING" plaque out of Horton's sightline.

							CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT

Mel and Bert are asleep under blankets, both smiling blissfully, but 
their sleep becomes more troubled and they are eventually woken by 
an atrociously loud cellophane rustling SOUND.  The Professor is 
trying desperately to open a small airline bag of peanuts.

							CUT TO:

EXT. VALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY 

Wally drives his 1950 two-tone, four-door Pontiac Firechief into the 
driveway of his modest house.  He stops the car, cuts the engine and 
cautiously peers out the window.  Silence.  He carefully opens the 
car door, trying to minimize all sounds, gets out and tip-toes 
towards the front door.

Out of nowhere, flies a tiny, yapping Pekinese dog, sporting a 
yellow ribbon in its hair and baring its hideous little teeth. 
Wally breaks into a sprint and is about to reach the door when the 
dog overtakes him and clamps its jaws onto one of his ankles.  Wally 
wildly flails his leg around, trying to dislodge the beast, finally 
succeeds and sends it soaring into the air over a hedge. 

 Wally bolts into the house, slamming the door behind him, just as 
the dog jets back on the attack, making a hair net out of the screen 
door.
							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY

Wally catches his breath, turns.  A savage cry is heard and his son, 
GORDIE, rolls out from behind an overstuffed chair and empties a toy 
machine gun at his father's chest and head.  Wally just stands 
there.
			POLLY'S VOICE
		Where have you been?  Do you 
		realize what time it is?
		     (appearing around a corner)
		I'll tell you what time it is, 
		Gordie, what time is it?

Gordie activates his talking military digital.

			WATCH VOICE
		Sixteen hundred hours.  Time to bivouac.

			POLLY
		Sometimes I think you're stupider 
		than your Cousin Newt, don't you 
		realize what we were supposed to 
		do tonight?

			GORDIE
		Newt's an idiot.

			POLLY
		We were supposed to look at our 
		video BEFORE dinner so we could 
		practice DURING dinner.  I suppose 
		you forgot the wine, too.

			WALLY
		I had a --

			POLLY
		Are you going to give me an excuse?
		You were going to give me an excuse, 
		weren't you?  Wally?  Do I look like 
		the type of person who'd be interested 
		in an excuse?

Demoralized, Wally slouches towards his overstuffed chair, reaching 
under his left arm to scratch.

			POLLY (CONT'D)
		Don't you touch that rash!  You'll keep
		me up all night with your scratching!
		    (Wally slumps in the chair)
		If I was really interested in hearing 
		some pitiful story don't you think 
		I'd ask to hear it?  Do I look like 
		the type of person who lives in a 
		fantasy world?  Look at me, Wally.
		Wally, look at me when I'm talking 
		to you, what do you see?  Hmm?
		    (Wally shakes his head)
		Do you see a poor, tired housewife, 
		holding our lives together by sheer 
		force of will, who received today 
		a phone call?  A phone call from 
		your rich relatives up at the Manor 
		who didn't otherwise even know I'm 
		alive, who asked ME to ask YOU to 
		please pick up your idiot cousin 
		Newt tomorrow at the airport?  Do 
		you have any idea how humiliating 
		that is?

She stands and screams towards the ceiling, repeatedly.  Wally 
covers his eyes and face with his hands.  When he uncovers them, 
Gordie is right in front of him, assuming the classic police stance.  
He fires six quick rounds from his toy pistol, emptying the magazine 
point blank at Wally's head.

							CUT TO:
A TV MONITOR

CLOSE on the grainy image of a sophisticated couple seated at a 
candlelit table.  Syrupy MUSIC and a dry, industrial film NARRATOR 
over ...
			NARRATOR'S VOICE
		Sniff the cork along with us now 
		and let its heady bouquet transport 
		you into the Wonderful World of 
		Wine Tasting!  Part Two.
		      (big music cue)


Wally and Polly sit facing the television, each holding a large 
glass of red wine, staring attentively at the screen.  Wally wears an 
apron that says:

		DON'T BOTHER ME I'M COOKING

			NARRATOR'S VOICE (CONT'D)
		You've made your selection, and by the 
		sommelier's sly little smile you know 
		he approves.  The wine's been decanted, 
		it's had a chance to b-r-e-a-t-h-e.
		It sits, poised in your glass, a ruby 
		nectar beckoning your lips.
		      (hushed tones)
		Now, band forward ... a little further ...
		a little further, that's right ... 

Wally and Polly follow the actions of the couple on the screen.

			NARRATOR'S VOICE (CONT'D)
		Extend the neck ... imagine your lips 
		forming the perfect letter "o" ... lower 
		the "o" to the rim ... now, remember the 
		babbling brook ... 

The couple on screen LOUDLY SUCKS UP AIR AND WINE, making a weird 
fluted whistling sounds.  Wally and Polly mimic it. 

			NARRATOR'S VOICE (CONT'D)
		... and again ...

Both couples repeat the action.

							CUT TO:
EXT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY

CLOSE on a sign that reads:

			SOOTHING BREEZES
			    SANITARIUM

A fierce wind is howling, violently waving a tree limb in front of 
the sign.

							CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES OFFICE - DAY

DR. ANGELA RUTHERFORD, in a sharp, tailored tweed suit, is 
consulting with the sanitarium's administrator, DR. ETHAN FLORD.  As 
they speak, he watches the fish in a small aquarium on his desk.  
Angela holds a thermos of coffee.

			ANGELA
		So all I really need is your signature
		here, Dr. Flord, and we can release Newt 
		Newton for his annual visit home. 

She puts a form in front of him on the desk.

			DR. FLORD
		You know, he's not even left us yet and 
		it's as if I miss Newt already.  When I'm with 
		him, of course I'm always with him in spirit, 
		as I am with all our patients, even now, 
		against all evidence to the contrary, I 
		sense some small spark of mental activity 
		behind those bulging eyes.  Perhaps this 
		is a projection on my part.  A projection 
		filled with a physician's unquenchable 
		hopefulness.

			ANGELA
		Uh-huh.

			DR. FLORD
		Has it been a year already?  It seems it was 
		only last week when he was flying off to the 
		bosom of his family, when in fact three hundred 
		and sixty five days, give or take a few -- this 
		wasn't a leap year was it?  No, of course not.
		Ah, remembrances -- remembrances.

Fighting off the wave of crippling boredom and mental exhaustion 
induced by the Doctor's monotone, Angela quickly pours a large cup 
of coffee, stifling a yawn.

			ANGELA
		I only need your signature -- 

			DR. FLORD
		Was it March of last year when my Aunt was 
		fitted for her prosthesis?  I suppose it was. 
		What a difference it made, how it changed 
		her!  In ways one couldn't possibly imagine. 
		First, the new carpeting.  Inexplicable perhaps, 
		at first glance.  But on closer scrutiny, 
		however, an underpinning of rationality 
		seemed to emerge.

Angela takes a big gulp of coffee, grabs an arm of a chair and 
lowers herself into it, struggling to keep her eyes open.  The fish 
in the aquarium begin to slow perceptibly.

			ANGELA
		Only your signature.  Please, Doctor.

 			DR. FLORD
		     (looking at his hands)
		As if creation, splintered into a hundred 
		million realities, was actually nothing 
		less than the complicated interweavings ...
		     (locking his fingers together)
		... of one, grand design.  Well-hidden, 
		mind you, but upon deeper examination, 
		open the doors ... 
		     (he opens his hands and wiggles
		      his fingers)
		... and there's all the people.
		     (a small, vanilla chuckle)
		And of course that's when I realized 
		Aunt Hildy had friends and had purchased 
		a pet.  Which brings me back to Newt.  Isn't it 
		odd how every Newton since Newt's Grandad has 
		been struck by lightning?  Newt's Grandad 
		was struck by lightning.  He's a complete 
		idiot.  Newt's father was struck by lightning. 
		He's no longer with us.  And of course Newt 
		was struck by lightning and by golly, he's 
		a complete idiot.  And all of them were named 
		Newton.  Newton Newton.  Newton Newton.  Newton 
		Newton ...

We hear the SOUND of liquid pouring slowly onto the carpet.  We see 
Angela's relaxed hand tipping her coffee cup towards the floor.  We 
see Angela is sound asleep.  A fish in the aquarium slowly rolls and 
goes belly up. 

			DR. FLORD (CONT'D)
		Those eyes.  Those bulging, happy 
		puppy eyes.

							CUT TO:
NEWT NEWTON'S EYES

Bulging.  Happy, gleaming puppy eyes.  We periodically and 
rhythmically hear the SOUND of breaking eggs.  With each crack his 
eyes widen.

							CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES CORRIDOR - DAY 

Angela is leaning over a drinking fountain, splashing cold water 
onto her face, trying to shake off Dr. Flord's torpor.  She moves on 
and stops to speak to a PATIENT standing in the hall, dressed as and 
in fact bearing an uncanny resemblance to Napoleon.

			ANGELA
		Have you seen Newt?

			PATIENT
		Helping out in ze kitchen.  Assemble 
		all ze men; tomorrow we march on 
		Moscow.

			ANGELA
		Thank you, your Highness and good 
		luck tomorrow.

			PATIENT
		We will need it; zose beasts haf no 
		souls.  I hope ze weather holds.  I 
		saw Bing Crosby in a dream.

She moves on towards the kitchen.
							CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES KITCHEN - DAY

We see a COOK pick up an egg, crack the egg on top of Newt's head 
and empty it into a huge bowl.  We MOVE around and down the 
customized chair Newt is strapped into, to his right knee; as we
hear another egg crack, Newt's knee jerks up and hits a pedal device 
that flips a pancake on a long, conveyor-belt griddle.  We follow 
the pancakes on the beltway to he end of the line where another COOK 
spatulas the pancakes onto the plates of seven ravenous but polite 
PATIENTS, all dressed as Jesus, passing the maple syrup back and 
forth.
			THE JESUSES
		     (variously)
		Thank you, Brother -- you're too 
		kind -- don't mention it -- 

Angela enters and moves to the first Cook.

			ANGELA
		Unstrap Newt, I've got his sock 
		in the car -- 
		       (to Newt)
		Time to go home, Newt.

			NEWT
		Can I pee?

			ANGELA
		Yes, in just a moment, Newt.

			NEWT
		       (a happy eye-roll)
		Rock' em-sock' em.
							CUT TO:
INT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY

A door opens, Newt sprints down the hallway and into a door, marked 
with the symbol:

				


Angela cools her heels outside the door.
							CUT TO:
EXT. SOOTHING BREEZES SANITARIUM - DAY

Angela and an ORDERLY walk Newt to a waiting van.  The Orderly is 
steering the meandering, easily distracted Newt by a handle attached 
to the back of his jacket.  Just above the handle are the 
embroidered words:
			GIMME FIVE

Angela hands the Orderly a plane ticket.

			ANGELA
		Be sure to walk him onto the plane
		yourself, fasten his seatbelt, remember 
		to tell the Stewardess no liquids for 
		Newt and don't let them check his sock, 
		it's carry on.  His cousin Wally will 
		be there to meet him in newtonville.
		       (turns to Newt)
		Newt, the whole staff will miss you and 
		I'll miss you, too.

			NEWT
		Two.  Zero.  One.  Two --

She grabs Newt by the shoulders.

			ANGELA
		Have a wonderful time at home, Newt.

Angela gives Newt a big kiss; he smiles enigmatically and tries to 
deck her with a roundhouse right, which she expertly ducks, and he 
completes his compulsive reaction to her kiss with a sly wolf 
whistle.  The Orderly tightens his grip on Newt's handle.  Angela 
attaches a large, adhesive badge to Newt's jacket that reads:

			HI
		MY NAME IS NEWT
	   ARE YOU MY COUSIN WALLY?

							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

The satellite clicks and we see that the digital countdown readout 
is t-minus 12:00 and counting.
							CUT TO:
EXT. LOADING DOCK - NIGHT

We see the back of a large semi packed solid with large bricks of a 
yellow substance, wrapped in waxy paper.  A FOREMAN with a clipboard
walks back and forth as the two DRIVERS finish tidying the cargo.

			FOREMAN
		Boys, you've packed your load/
		and it's time to hit the road/
		Let the slowpokes eat your dust/
		It's Newtonville or bust/
		Let the highway be your heyday/
		And I'll see you here on payday.

The Drivers, who hate this rhyming business, close and lock the 
doors.  A picture of a large wheel of bright yellow cheese is 
painted on the doors, along with the words:

	      CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK

The Drivers move to and enter the cab, as the Foreman works himself 
into a rhyming frenzy.

			FOREMAN (CONT'D)
		Please, boys, please/
		Be careful with that cheese/
		For the Beefy Cheese Louise/
		If anything should happen/
		You'll put me in a squeeze/
		You'll bring me to my knees/
		I could lose all my fees/
		Are you sure you've got your keys?
		        (the truck starts)
		Watch out for all those trees!
		Hi-ho, hi-ho/
		I hate to see you go/
		We'll see you back here soon/
		Remember: Newtonville by noon!

The truck thunders off into the night, obscuring the last wretched 
rhymes of the Post Foreman.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - NIGHT

A police car is parked behind the sign:

		WELCOME TO NEWTONVILLE
	LIGHTNING CAPITAL OF THE WORLD ...
		WE'RE ZAPPY TO SEE YOU !!!
			 pop. 43,108

We see a bright flash of lightning in the distance.

							CUT TO:
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT

DOUGY "SHERLOCK" WATSON, a heavyset, easy-going Highway Patrolman, 
sits behind the wheel, looking up at the sky.

			DOUGY "SHERLOCK" WATSON
		Four hundred and one ...
		       (pause -- then, more lightning)
		Four hundred and two ...

							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Wally sits catatonically in his overstuffed chair, with his shirt 
off, his left arm raised in an uncomfortable position.  A big red 
rash under his left arm is covered with pink lotion.  The room is 
strewn with Gordie's toy weapons.  Gordie himself is violently 
stomping up and down on a newspaper-stuffed dummy/enemy soldier, 
screaming as he guts the dummy and plunges the toy knife into its 
brainpan.  GUCCI-GUCCI, the dreaded Pekingese, is busy rending one 
of Wally's argyle socks.

							CUT TO:
INT. AIRPLANE - NIGHT

CLOSE on peanuts in the aisle, as we hear a plastic crunching SOUND. 
While everyone else sleeps, the Professor futilely struggles to pry 
open his salad dressing container with a plastic fork.

							CUT TO:

INT. HORTON THURSBY'S ROOM - NIGHT

Horton sits in his '40's noir hotel room, in a sleeveless t-shirt, 
boxer shorts and gartered socks, cleaning his massive, chrome-plated 
.357 Magnum pistol, staring holes in a picture of Professor 
Zinzermacher on the table in front of him.  His moll, LORRAINE, an 
irresistible, shapely blonde bombshell, lolls on the bed, blowing 
kisses to the ceiling and watching them float.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT

Randy slowly cleans the concession area.  Woody sits at a table near 
the rink, playing a beautiful, forlorn county waltz on a steel 
guitar.  Big Tom is slowly and gracefully skating around the rink 
in time to the music.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT

The lights around the big skate on top of the rink turn off.  The 
distant waltz merges with the crickets.
							SLOW FADE OUT:
FADE IN:

EXT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT - DAY

A huge lightning rod in the shape of a key sits atop the modest 
terminal.  A sign on the building reads:

			NEWTONVILLE'S
			"BEN FRANKLIN"
			     AIRPORT
	    THE KEY TO ALL YOUR TRAVEL NEEDS
		   BEN SAYS, "CHARGE IT!!"

A black stretch limo with a big "A" on the side pulls up in front of 
the terminal.  The stocky Cockney chauffeur, BOB McNABB, gets out, 
and opens the door for his petite and proper wife, ALICE, who gets 
out of the passenger side.  Both are dressed in yellow uniforms that 
sport a big blue "A".

			BOB McNABB
		Watch your loaf, luv.

			ALICE
		     (middle-class English)
		Wait here, Bobby ducks.  Back in a 
		tick with Bert, Mel and the Professor.

			BOB McNABB
		Standin' by, ready to stab it and steer.
		Go on, plant one on me boat.  Come on then.

She shyly gives him a kiss on the cheek.  He gives her an 
affectionate hug and tickle, which makes her giggle.  She starts 
towards the terminal.  Bob admires her small, shapely figure.

			BOB McNABB (CONT'D)
		What a butcher's; makes me want 
		to fall to me chips'ns.

							CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOG - DAY

Wally Newton pulls into a slot, parks and starts digging through the 
mass of Gordie's toys, piled high from the front seat to the back.
He retrieves a piece of paper with some flight info on it, stuck to 
a huge wad of gum.  The array of weaponry and Gordie-and-Polly- 
generated filth in the car is staggering.
							CUT TO:
INT. BEN FRANKLIN TERMINAL - DAY

Alice moves through the terminal, past a small newsstand.  We PICK
UP and STAY WITH Horton Thursby, lurking near the magazine rack.  he 
sets down the copy of "DETECTIVES IN LOVE MAGAZINE" he was 
pretending to read and follows Alice toward the arrival gates.

							CUT TO:
A HEINZ 57 COMPANY BANNER

Near an arrival gate.  The banner reads:

		    WELCOME TO OUR 35 NEW
		EMPLOYEES FROM LUBBOCK, TEXAS
		  35 NEW REASONS WHY 57 IS
				NUMBER 1

We MOVE off the banner to see Horton walking away, still following 
Alice towards the gate.  We PICK UP and STAY with Wally, as he 
enters through a side door, looking for a trash can.  He carries a 
large conglomeration of hundreds of pink gum wads and other sticky 
car refuse.  We stay with Wally until he crosses paths with a group 
of thirty-five robust TEXANS, all in goofy, double-knit leisure 
suits, carrying briefcases.

Waiting to greet the Texans under the Heinz banner, beside a big 
black cauldron are three large CHEFS in white outfits and large 
chef's hats, bearing the distinctive, ketchup-red "57" logo.

As the Texans approach, a TAP DANCER dressed as a bottle of Heinz 57 
sauce rises out of the cauldron and begins enthusastically tap 
dancing to taped musical accompaniment.  The Chefs shake the hands 
of the happy Texans and hand each of them a large bottle of steak 
sauce.
							CUT TO:
WALLY

Still looking for a trash can.  Near another gate, he passes another 
welcoming committee, under another banner that reads:

	MAYOR BILLY BENSON IS ZAPPY TO WELCOME
	THE RENOWNED CHINESE ACROBATIC TEAM
		FROM THE FAR PROVINCES
	      IT'S VERY RICE TO SEE YOU

MAYOR BILLY BENSON and his wife, DOTTY, stand behind two BATON-
TWIRLING BLONDS and a TRICK DOG jumping back and forth through a 
hoop.  A Sousa march blares as the CHINESE ACROBATS come off the 
plane, all wearing identical Chinese red sweatsuits with Nehru 
collars.  A great deal of bowing and smiling and unintelligible 
greetings ensues.
							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

The countdown on the satellite continues: it now reads: 00:10.  It 
changes to: 00:09.
							CUT TO:
INT ARRIVAL GATE - DAY

Wally's at a trash can, trying to dislodge the sticky gum wad from 
his hands, when he looks out a window and spots Newt in a crowd of 
people exiting a plane down a portable stairway.  Instead of 
crossing the tarmac to the terminal with the other passengers, Newt 
stops at the bottom of the stairs and is quickly left alone. 

A concerned STEWARDESS moves towards Newt.  He smiles and backs up.
The Stewardess stops, Newt stops.  Wally watches.  Within moments 
half a dozen assorted AIRPORT PERSONNELL are giving chase to Newt, 
who gleefully darts in and out around the plane's landing gear.

							CUT TO:
HORTON (NEAR ANOTHER GATE)

Positioned behind a column, watching Mel, Bert and the Professor 
deplane off the jetway, where they're greeted by Alice.  Mel and 
Bert are rhythmically bobbing their heads and knees, because they 
have to urinate with such urgency their back teeth are floating.

							CUT TO:
MEL, BERT, THE PROFESSOR AND ALICE

As the Professor shakes Alice's hand.

			HUGO
		I am Professor Hugo Zinzermacher.
		Hugo your way und I'll go mine.
 
Alice stares at him.  Mel leans over to Bert and whispers.

			MEL
		I gotta pee so bad I can taste it.

			BERT
		Me too, Mel.  My bladder's stretched 
		out like a water balloon.

			ALICE
		Did you check your bag, Professor?

			HUGO
		Unfortunately no; they took it from 
		me at the other airport.

Alice stares at him again, nods slowly and turns towards the baggage 
claim area.
							CUT TO:
HORTON

As Alice, Mel, Bert and the Porfessor pass by, Horton cautiously 
follows them.
							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

The satellite countdown moves from: 00:04 to 00:03.

							CUT TO:
INT. ARRIVAL GATE - DAY

Two burly SECURITY GUARDS carry a rigid, smiling Newt up a jetway 
into the terminal to the waiting Wally.  Newt sees Wally, points at 
him and breaks into a wild, moonbeam smile.  The Guards carry him to 
Wally.

			GUARD #1
		Are you his Cousin Wally?

			WALLY
		Yes, sir, I am.  Where's his sock?

The other Guard holds up a bulging grey sock with a red stripe.  The 
Guards set Newt down.  He and Wally immediately start to circle each 
other, quickly accelerating into faster and faster revolutions.
They stop at the same time and break into huge, identical grins.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWSSTAND - DAY

SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON, a middle-aged black musician is buying a 
big cigar from the CASHIER behind the counter.  He carries a well-
traveled guitar case, stenciled with the words:

		SAMMY "THE STOMP" JOHNSON

As he moves on, lighting the stogie, HANK THE BARBER, a tall, thin 
man, wearing sleeve garters and a racy bow-tie, exits the Barber 
Shop across the corridor and moves towards the newsstand.

							CUT TO:

EXT. OUTER SPACE

The satellite countdown moves under: 00:01 and starts counting in 
seconds: 00:00:59.  The satellite begins emitting a beeping sound 
which gradually increases in tempo, pitch and volume.  Another panel 
slides open and a large, metallic nozzle slides out.

							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY

The baggage carousel starts revolving and bags begin to appear.  We 
see the following groupings:  Alice, the Professor, Mel and Bert.

			MEL
		We'll be right back.

			BERT
		We're going to the men's room.

They begin fast-bobbing towards the men's room.  Sammy "The Stomp" 
Johnson waits just to the right of Alice, who takes out a make-up 
mirror and powders her nose.  Horton lurks behind a nearby column, 
watching the Professor.

The Texans and the Chinese Acrobats are on opposite sides of the 
carousel, along with their respective welcoming committees.

Wally leads Newt to the carousel, takes off his belt, loops it 
though the handle on Newt's jacket and ties it around a column.

			NEWT
		Can I pee?

			WALLY
		Soon as I get your bag, Newt.

			NEWT
		Rock' em-sock'em?

			WALLY
		     (hands Newt his sock)
		I'll be right back, Newt.  I see your 
		bag right there.

Wally starts after a plaid bag with a "SOOTHING BREEZES" tag on 
it, trying to dart through the Texans to reach the bag before it 
disappears.
							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

We see the satellite countdown:  00:00:03 / 00:00:02 / 00:00:01 
and as it hits 00:00:00 the beeping crescendos and goes 
SILENT for one brief moment.  Then, the satellite produces 
an emission.; a small burst of light shoots from the nozzle 
and hear a sound like a sharp slam on a ping-pong ball.

							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the United States.  The emission, a 
short piece of light, enters the earth's atmosphere and heads down 
towards Kansas.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT - DAY

The emission strikes the Ben Franklin key on top of the terminal.
The key lights up and spins.

							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY

HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the carousel area.  The emission zooms 
down, strikes the carousel and a glowing four-way beam in the 
shape of a "X" appears.  One arm of the "X" connects Horton 
Thursby and Wally Newton; the other arm connects Professor Hugo 
Zinzermacher and Newt Newton.

The glowing "X" vibrates wildly and spins, sending off small pieces 
of the emission in various directions.

One piece hits the group of Texans, bounces over and strikes the 
Chinese Acrobats.

Another shard hits Alice, makes a sharp right and slams into Sammy 
"The Stomp" Johnson.

A third bolt hits Alice's open make-up mirror, bounces behind her 
and nails Mel and Bert just as they open the door to the men's room. 
This piece of the emission then hits the mirror in the men's room 
and shoots back out into the corridor, striking the Cashier and Hank 
the Barber at the newsstand.

The bolt continues out an open door, bounces off the three Heinz 57 
Chefs, the tap dancing 57 Sauce Bottle and the Trick Dog, all 
standing by the curb, then smacks into the head of Bob McNabb, 
sitting behind the wheel of Company "A"'s limo.

From there, the beam spreads out towards all of Newtonville.

The three Chefs, the tap dancing Bottle and the Trick Dog are 
suddenly compelled to leap into Bob's limo.  And Bob, as if 
possessed by the spirit of a mad hot rodder, puts the pedal to the 
metal, lays two hundred feet of rubber, slams on the breaks when he 
reaches a stop sign, throws it in reverse and comes roaring 
backwards through the pick-up area in front of the terminal.

							CUT TO:

INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY 

The glowing "X" of light burns brightly; the clothes of the two 
opposing pairs fly off and land on the person opposite; Newt now 
wears the Professor's clothes and the Professor is wearing Newt's 
clothes.  Horton Thursby is wearing Wally Newton's clothes and Wally 
Newton is wearing the clothes of Horton Thursby.  Newt's sock flies 
into the Professor's hand.  He immediately drops it.  Horton's .357 
Magnum flies across and lands in Wally's hand.  He immediately drops 
it.

The "X" hits another level of intensity and now the two pairs 
literally change places; Newt Newton, in the Professor's clothes, 
now stands next to Alice.  He leans down and picks up his sock.  The 
Professor is in Newt's clothes, strapped to the column.  Wally wears 
Horton's clothes, lurking behind a column and Horton wears Wally's 
clothes, looking for Newt's bag.  Horton bends down, picks up his 
Magnum and sticks it in the waistband of his pants.

The "X" hits its brightest level and completely EVAPORATES.  The 
carousel makes a stressful, screeching sound.

Newt, the Professor, Wally and Horton blink their eyes and shake 
their heads, feeling confused.

For no reason they can understand, the Texans are compelled to march 
en mass to the other side of the carousel, just as the Chinese 
acrobats, equally befuddled and compelled, walk around to where they 
Texans were standing.

Alice and Sammy "The Stomp" Johnson are still standing side by side. 
However, their positions have been reversed, she's wearing his 
sharkskin suit and aviator shades and he's wearing her Company "A" 
dress suit.

The carousel stops suddenly, smoking slightly.  Stunned silence.  
Mayor Billy Benson is the first person who rouses himself enough to 
speak.  He makes a few strange noises, before squeezing out the 
words ...

			MAYOR BILLY BENSON
		It-it-it-it-it was only lightning.
		Stay c-c-c-c-calm.

The crowd, instantly reassured and pathetically grateful for this 
convenient explanation, murmurs, as one ...

			CROWD
		It was only lightning.

The carousel slowly starts to revolve again.  People begin to move 
forward to claim their luggage.

							CUT TO:
INT. MEN'S ROOM

Mel and Bert, who had been frozen near the door, shake their heads 
clear and bob to the urinals.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWSSTAND

Hank the Barber picks up a newspaper and hands it to the Cashier.

			CASHIER
		The Hank, usual?

			HANK THE BARBER
		Bet you.

The Cashier takes the paper, opens the cash register drawer and 
tries to stuff the newspaper inside.  Meanwhile, Hank unwraps a 
candy bar and smears it in a tight circle on his forehead, near the 
third eye area.  The Cashier takes out a handful of nickels and 
dimes, holds out his arm and throws the coins onto the corridor 
floor.  The Barber and the Cashier look at each other for a moment 
with a look of complete blankness.  The Barber spins violently and 
storms back to the Barbershop.

							CUT TO:
EXT. CITY LIMITS - DAY

The satellite emission beam zips towards the "Welcome to 
Newtonville" sign, hits the city limits, stops dead, glows brightly 
for a second, then disappears with a loud pop.  A moment later, a 
semi-tractor trailer barrels down the highway, entering Newtonville. 
On it's back doors we see the words:

	CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK

							CUT TO:

EXT. THE PENTAGON - DAY

High angle.  Stock shot.  Establish.

							CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON CORRIDOR - DAY

CLOSE on a high-tech security door, with a sign that reads:

			SDI
	 	SECTION FOUR
	CODE SIX CLEARANCE REQUIRED
							CUT TO:
INT. SDI SECTION FOUR - DAY

MOVING along a heavily instrumented control panel, we come to rest 
on a blinking, and as yet undetected, red warning light.  Printing 
above the light reads:

	RANDOM COLL. DEEP SPACE EMISSION

							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTONVILLE AIRPORT BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA - DAY

Horton-as-Wally, undoes the belt that holds the Professor-as-Newt to 
the column.  He hands the plaid bag to the Professor.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Time to go, Newt.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Where?

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		     (slight pause)
		To the Manor?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		I thought we would go to the ... Institute.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		You just came from the Institute.
	
			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Oh, I see.

They start towards an exit.
							CUT TO:

INT. BAGGAGE CLAIM

Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice takes Newt-as-the-Professor by the arm.

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		This way, Professor Zinzermacher.

Newt-as-the-Professor smiles, grips his sock and they march towards 
the exit.  Stepping out from behind the column, Wally-as-Horton 
shadows them.
							CUT TO:
EXT. AIRPORT -DAY

Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice and Newt-as-the-Professor exit the 
terminal to the white zone and stop at the curb.  Wally-as-Horton 
exits after them, hanging back behind a trolly of luggage.  A moment 
later the Company "A" limousine rockets by, the top of the Tap 
Dancing 57 Bottle sticks out of the sunroof.  The limo screeches to 
a halt at the same stop sign, then shoots back past the white zone 
again, 70 mph in reverse, tires smoking and screaming.

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		     (after the limo passes)
		What is my husband doing?

Newt-as-the-Professor stares blissfully.  Mel and Bert come hustling 
out of the terminal.  Due to the peculiar nature of the satellite 
emission, they, along with everyone else affected by it, are only 
dimly aware that any changes have occurred.

			MEL
		Sorry we're late, Alice.

A slight pause.  They both look at her somewhat curiously, then 
dismiss whatever doubt might have arisen.

			MEL (CONT'D)
		We were bobbin' like a cork.

			BERT
		We'd been holding our water since Zurich.

The limo roars by yet again at 95 mph.

			MEL
		Where's Bob going?

Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice takes out a white hankie, steps to the 
curb.  He speaks in his voice, but with Alice's accent and 
vocabulary.
			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		    (waving the hankie)
		Yoo-hoo!  Bobby!  Ducks!  Oh, ducks, come 
		right over here now, we're all ready to go.

The limo screams back into view, stops on a dime.  Bob McNabb is a 
desperate man, a vessel for a twisted A.J. Foyt from Hell.  His 
"good" side controls the foot on the break, the "demonic" side pumps 
the accelerator like Buddy Righ assaulting his bass drum pedal.  The 
entire car shakes and smokes like a dragster on the starting line.

			BOB McNABB
		     (eyes popping)
		Jump in, Mates, and make it snappy; 
		I'm ridin' a rhino in a brushfire.

Doors fly open, Mel and Bert lift Newt-as-the-Professor into the 
back seat with them, wedging in between the Chefs and the Tap 
Dancing Bottle.  Stricken with a profound love, the Trick Dog 
instantly leaps into Newt-as-the-Professor's arms.  Equally 
infatuated, Newt-as-the-Professor grabs the little Dog's cheeks and 
they smile at each other, point blank.  Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice 
climbs into the front seat beside Bob.

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		       (a bit stern)
		Robby-ducks, remind me to speak to you 
		about your tea consumption.  It seems 
		to be affecting your driving --

Bob can't hold back the surge any longer and the limo leaps forward 
like a cheetah on the trail of a leaping ibex.  Wally-as-Horton comes 
forward to the curb, hails a cab, jumps in the back and says to the 
DRIVER

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Follow that limo!

The cab starts after the limo.
							CUT TO:
EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY

The Professor-as-Newt stands by, as Horton-as-Wally opens the door 
to Wally's car.  Enraged with revulsion, he reaches in and with two 
or three violent motions sweeps Gordie's toys and Polly's garbage 
out of the car, spraying it into the parking lot.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What a load a' crap.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		So it would seem.

Horton-as-Wally looks at him askance for a moment, then opens the 
door for the Professor-as-Newt, places him in the front seat and 
fastens his seat belt.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (CONT'D)
		I have a feeling we're not in Zurich 
		anymore.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		You said a mouthful there, buddy.

Horton-as-Wally starts the car and they drive off.

							CUT TO:
INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY

The limo zooms towards an intersection.  The light ahead turns red.
Bob slams on the breaks.  The passengers tumble like ten-pins.  Bob
throws the limo into reverse and floors it.  The passengers, just 
regaining their balance, get thrown again.

							CUT TO:
INT. CAB - DAY 

The Taxi Driver reacts in horror as the limo shoots backwards towards 
him.  Panicked, he puts the cab in reverse and floors it.  Wally-as-
Horton holds on for dear life.  

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Did we do something wrong?

			CAB DRIVER
		      (nonchalant)
		I see this sort'a stuff every day;
		the whole world's comin' apart.

The limo shoots back past them, swerves, does a 360 and heads back 
straight for them.  The Cab Driver shifts back to drive and burns 
rubber, the limo right on his rear fender.

			CAB DRIVER (CONT'D)
		I gotta admit though, this one's somethin' 
		special.

The cab is pushed forward down the road by the limo.  They disappear 
over the crest of a hill.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY 

A palatial estate, high on a hill, hard by the sixteenth tee of the 
Newtonville Country Club golf course.  A sign reads:

		NEWTON MANOR
							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTON MANOR ENTRYWAY - DAY

In the grand foyer, at the base of a grand, circular staircase, 
TIDMAN, a nervous, middle-aged, slightly disheveled butler is 
addressing the assembled Manor STAFF.

			TIDMAN
		As you know ... Newt ... is coming home. 
		He will be arriving momentarily.  You 
		will recall two years ago, due to a 
		former employee's negligence, one of 
		the garages was not secured.  Newt 
		crawled into the workings of the furnace; 
		during the six months it took to undo 
		his handiwork we suffered through the 
		coldest winter in recent memory.  Black 
		smoke issued from the faucets.  Boiling 
		water was found in the toilets.  Thermostat 
		circuitry was hardwired to all the baking 
		ovens.  Yes, as a result Chef Pierre did 
		develop his "Jiffy Baked Alaska", which 
		we've all enjoyed, he also developed a 
		rare skin disorder from working in the 
		113 degree kitchen.

A sheepish CHEF PIERRE, wearing heavy medical mittens and hat with 
asbestos ear flaps, shrugs.

			CHEF PIERRE
		Cis la'vie.

			TIDMAN
		I want the following words engraved in 
		the core of your beings: this year there 
		will be no such incidents.  If air can 
		reach a hidden place, so can Newt.  If water 
		can flow through a crack, there too Newt 
		will go.  Readiness.  Vigilance.  Perseverance.  
		May God be with us all.
							CUT TO:
INT./EXT. MANOR HOUSE - DAY

Quick CUTS: Fine crockery's locked in high cabinets.  Hallway closet 
doors are nailed shut.  Iron grates are padlocked over air ducts.  
In the garage, a steel box is lowered by winch over the Rolls.  In 
the basement, a GUARD takes his post in front of the new furnace.

							CUT TO:

EXT. MANOR HOUSE - DAY 

The electric gates swing open.  Horton-as-Wally drives Wally's car 
up the circular drive to the front walk.  Tidman approaches the car, 
flanked by a pair of Orderlies -- IKE and MIKE -- built like 
refrigerators.  Tidman opens the door, Ike and Mike stand by to 
pounce.  The Professor-as-Newt looks up at them and smiles.  Horton-
as-Wally gets out on the driver's side.

			TIDMAN
		        (a big cheesy smile)
		Welcome home, Master Newt.  Hello, Wally.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Who are the goons?

			TIDMAN
		Help for you-know-who.  Come along, 
		Newt, we've got the Rocking Horse 
		room all ready for you.

The Orderlies lift the Professor-as-Newt out of the car.  He smiles 
at them benignly.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Two big assistants.  This is good.

			TIDMAN
		      (shocked, to Wally)
		What a tremendous improvement.
		      (goes to the Professor-as-Newt)
		Can you say anything else?

			THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		As I was saying to Bert and Mel, 
		if we relate the vector on a 
		parallelogram, allowing the azimuth to 
		intersect but not confirm the dimensional 
		factors contributing to the parameters of 
		the logarithmic module, it won't 
		necessarily be a part of it.

Tidman turns back to Wally, almost relieved.

			TIDMAN
		Still an idiot.

He gestures to the Goons.  One of them picks up the Professor-as-
Newt by the handle on his coat, the other takes his plaid bag.

			TIDMAN (CONT'D)
		Where's his sock?
		     (he shushes himself)
		Never mind, let's not upset him.
		     (quietly to Horton-as-Welly)
		We've got duplicates.

Tidman is ready to lead the others into the Manor, when he realizes 
Horton-as-Wally is still standing there.

			TIDMAN (CONT'D)
		You didn't want to ... come in, 
		did you, Wally?

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What did you say?

			TIDMAN
		      (shocked, instantly cowed)
		I said, would you like to come in?

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What would I want to go in there 
		for?  I got a home of my own, pal.

Horton-as-Wally cooly gets into the car and drives away.  Tidman
frowns, perplexed, then escorts the Goons and the Professor-as-Newt 
into the Manor. 
							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY

Tidman leads the Professor-as-Newt, his feet barely touching the 
floor, half-carried by Ike and Mike, into the grand foyer.  The 
Manor Staff is assembled like shock troops about to charge enemy 
trenches.  Some wear chest protectors, others shin guards, a few 
carry cans of Mace and stun guns.  The Professor-as-Newt smiles at 
them with growing excitement.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		      (to Tidman)
		If you could show me to my room 
		I'll start work immediately.

			TIDMAN
		      (apprehensive)
		What did you have planned, Master 
		Newt?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		As you know from my letters, I hope 
		to make a massive breakthrough.  It 
		came to me while contemplating a 
		large, smooth concrete floors.

			TIDMAN
		Very good, Master Newt.
		     (aside, to an Aide)
		Get Gordon Cole on the phone; I want 
		a complete inventory of all our floor 
		systems.

The Aid moves off, Ike and Mike start carting the Professor-as-Newt 
up the grand staircase.
							CUT TO:
EXT. COMPANY "A" - DAY 

A massive office building, across the street from and nearly 
identical to Company "B".  On the roof is a gigantic yellow:

			"A"

The limo tears up in a series of short, brutal stops and starts. 
Tremendous grinding SOUNDS, billowing smoke, the throttle wide open, 
fan belt screaming.

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		Get out quick before he kills us. 
		      (screams at Bob)
		NO MORE TEA!  I'll speak with you at home.

Mel and Bert quickly help Newt-as-the Professor out of the limo. 
Newt-as-the Professor and the Trick Dog still cling to each other. 
Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice is the last one out, before the limo 
explodes backwards away from the curb, the three Chefs and the Tap 
Dancing Bottle still trapped inside.  PASSERS-BY cover their ears at 
the excruciatingly deafening SOUND of engine and tires.

							CUT TO:
THE TAXI

Stopped across the street.  The Taxi Driver hoses down his flaming 
engine with a fire extinguisher, while Wally-as-Horton takes out a 
pair of binoculars and looks through them ...
							INTERCUT:
WALLY-AS-HORTON'S POV - BINOCULAR MATTE

We see Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice, Mel, Bert and Newt-as-the 
Professor enter a side door in the Company "A" building.  The door 
is flanked by two UNIFORMED GUARDS.  Wally-as-Horton moves the 
binoculars up to read the sign above the door:

		C.A.N.A.P.E.
Center for Advanced Nucleacly Arbitrary Permutation Experimentation
	A DIVISION OF COMPANY A

Wally-as-Horton lowers the binoculars, puts them in his pocket.  He 
takes a matchbook and a pack of cigarettes out, lights one up like a 
nerd version of James Dean, inhales deeply, plunging himself into a 
spasmodic coughing jag.  He jettisons the cigarette into the gutter 
and while trying to recatch his breath, he notices the printing on 
the matchbook:

	VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD

A glimmer of confused memory flits across his features.  He reaches 
under his coat and gingerly scratches his rash.
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE CORRIDOR - DAY 

Bert and Mel follow Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice and Newt-as-the 
Professor through automatic-opening, glass, sliding doors, bordered 
in red suede.  On the doors are the words:

		C.A.N.A.P.E
		TOP SECRET

As they move through the doors, CAMERA drifts to find Mr. Posthole, 
the Company "B" spy, lurking in the corridor.  He smiles, as he 
watches them enter the clean room.
							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE CLEAN ROOM - DAY

Inside the "clean room" reception area are assembled the top brass 
of Company "A", forming a reception line to greet them, all gently 
bobbing their heads.  The President, DELBERT CORRIGAN, a young, 
dandified, old-money Ivy leaguer, gives Sammy "The Stomp"-as-Alice a 
slightly strange look.
			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		Gentlemen, may I present Professor Hugo 
		Zinzermacher.

Polite applause.  Newt-as-the Professor beams, still holding the 
Trick Dog in one hand and his dirty, bulging sock in the other.
Delbert Corrigan steps forward to shake his hand, accompanied by his 
young, blonde bombshell wife, SIMONE.

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		Professor, I'd like you to meet the 
		President of Company "A", Mr. Delbert
		Corrigan and his lovely wife, Simone.

Corrigan shakes Newt-as-the Professor's hand.  Newt-as-the Professor 
won't let go, happily pumping away.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		This is one of the proudest moments 
		of my life.  I can safely say I speak 
		for everyone here when I tell you that 
		with you pulling your oar in our shell 
		we'll be at the mouth of the Charles 
		before you can sing three bars of the 
		Whiffenpoof song.  Just dandy.
		     (getting a little uncomfortable)
		What a darling little pooch.
		     (Newt-as-the-Professor continues 
		      to smile blankly and shake his hand)
		Do you know my wife, Simone?

Simone, in a devastating little Chanel number, steps forward.

			SIMONE
		    (bad Radcliffe French)
		Professor, je suis tres heureux a faire
		votre connaissance.

She grips Newt-as-the Professor by the shoulders and kisses him on 
both cheeks.  His eyes light up like a pinball machine, he rears 
back and throws a roundhouse right.  Simon and Delbert, using their 
good genetic reflexes, both shy back in shock.  The punch sails past 
them and lands squarely on Mel's nose with a resounding SMACK.

Mel grabs his broken honker, tears squirt from his eyes.  He grabs 
the nearest wall and a piercing, high-pitched, one-note wail of 
contained agony escapes from him.  Mel turns back around.

			BERT
		      (stunned)
		The Professor hit Mel.

Holding his nose, Mel turns back to them, in extreme pain and 
feeling somehow responsible for it.

			MEL 
		I must have provoked him. 

Everyone else is still speechless.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
		       (looking around)
		Can I pee?

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		      (trying to smile)
		Yes, C.A.N.A.P.E.
		      (he refers to his CANAPE security badge)
		And please be assured, the Center for Advanced 
		Nucleacly Arbitrary Permutation Experimentation 
		is absolutely thrilled to have you here.  Please, 
		be assured of this.

Hiding behind her husband, eyes darting nervously, Simone tries to 
light a cigarette, her hands shaking like a frog on a hot plate.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
		Can I pee?

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		      (slight pause)
		What is it, exactly, that you're 
		confused about?

Newt-as-the-Professor makes a fast beeline to the nearby men's room, 
clearly marked with the following symbol:

			

Mel and Bert quickly confer.

			MEL
		That could explain a lot.

			BERT
		We should'a let him go when we 
		got off the plane.

They both quickly turn to Delbert Corrigan.

			MEL
		We should'a let him go when he 
		got off the plane.

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		      (also trying to explain)
		One must continually bear in mind that 
		these geniuses are a queer lot.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		      (the "good sport")
		I've a few eccentrics swinging from my own 
		family tree.  If he delivers the "massive 
		breakthrough" he's promised in correspondence, 
		believe you me, we'll put up with the best 
		the Professor can muster in the Peculiar 
		Behavior Department.

From inside the bathroom, we hear the Trick Dog happily barking in a 
conversational way, as if talking to Newt-as-the-Professor.  A 
moment later the door opens and a big, black puff of smoke rolls 
into the room.
							CUT TO:
EXT. PENTAGON - DAY

The same stock shot.

							CUT TO:
INT. SDI SECTION FOUR - DAY

A CORPORAL stares at the blinking red warning light we saw earlier 
under the words:

	RANDOM COLL. DEEP SPACE EMISSION

The Corporal flicks the bulb once or twice, makes sure it's not 
malfunctioning.  It continues to blink, unabated.  The Corporal 
takes out a key, unlocks a small box, opens it, flicks the switch 
inside.  The blinking red light turns green, continues to blink, 
turns back to red, rotates and a small telephone slides out of a 
panel beneath it.  The Corporal picks up the phone, without taking 
his eyes off the still blinking light.

			CORPORAL
		      (trying to remain calm)
		Put me through to Colonel Mofler ...
		      (pause)
		Colonel Mofler? ... Corporal Gumm.
		Sir, we've got a tuna on the line.
		Yes, sir, a verified tuna.

							CUT TO:
INT. COLONEL MOFLER'S OFFICE - DAY

Colonel Mofler sits at his desk, holding the phone.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Thank you, Corporal.  I don't need to 
		remind you this is Code Six ...

He hangs up, grimly takes a key from his desk, inserts it into a 
lock on the edge of his desk.  The desk top slides open, revealing a 
large red book emblazoned with the word:

				FISH

Colonel Mofler pages through the book.  We see subheadings that 
read: TROUT, HALIBUT, GROUPER, ANCHOVIE, MACKERAL.  He comes to a 
page that reads: TUNA.  He read something that shocks him.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Holy jumping George ...

							CUT TO:
INT. SITUATION ROOM - DAY

GENERAL CONRAD stands at the head of the long conference table. A 
pack of very cool GENERALS with the Right Stuff are gathered around. 
A number of large, stuffed, mounted fish adorn the knotty-pine 
walls.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		      (high fury)
		A TUNA!!??  A TUNA!!??

			COLONEL MOFLER
		      (also standing, data in hand)
		Yes, Sir, prelim's indicate an 
		albacore ...

			GENERAL CONRAD
		That's white meat!!!

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Yes, Sir;  an emission.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THING
		PEED!!!!????

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Yes, Sir, a contained pinpoint emission 
		somewhere in Friendly Delta Forty.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		      (covers his eyes in despair)
		FRIENDLY!!  GAHHHH!!
		      (questions the others)
		Delta?  Delta Forty?

The other Generals calmly confer.  The group's spokesman, GENERAL 
THRASHER, turns to General Conrad.

			GENERAL THRASHER
		Kansas.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		It peed on Kansas?  THAT THING PEED 
		ON KANSAS!!!???

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Sir ... uh, should we notify, uh, the, 
		uh, Commander in, uh, Chief?

General Conrad looks at the red phone on the table in front of him. 
He picks up the entire instrument and then bangs it on the table 
with increasing intensity.  The other Generals don't move a muscle, 
brimming over with the Right Stuff

			GENERAL CONRAD
		NO,  NO,  NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!!!!

General Conrad does a backflip and lands heavily, out of sight, with 
the SOUND of major fracturing.  The other Generals respond with 
slight head shakes, sympathetic whistles and other small, 
compassionate gestures.

			A GENERAL
		      (pause, calmly)
		Mofler, call an ambulance.

							CUT TO:
EXT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY

The wounded Taxi limps up to the door.  Wally-as-Horton gets out of 
the cab and cautiously enters the Rod.
							CUT TO:

INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY

Pearlescant stucco and a persistent South Seas motif; weathered rope 
nets, varnished blowfish lamps, dusty spears and shields.  The 
CUSTOMERS, a hardboiled bunch of sleazy criminal types, freeze in 
their tracks when Wally-as-Horton enters and tentatively makes his 
way across the room; the denizens part for him like the Red Sea. 
VINNIE, the short, stocky, balding proprietor, behind the bar is the 
only person who dares to speak to him.

			VINNIE
		Hey, Horton.  What's happening?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		    (stops, terrified but handling it)
		Not much.  What's happening with you ...
		Vinnie?

He looks at Vinnie with some confusion.

			VINNIE
		     (clearly frightened of him)
		Not much.

Wally-as-Horton nods and continues on.  He passes a booth full of 
four GANGSTERS, clearly a few notches tougher than the bar's other 
customers.  Their leader, JIMMY "CRAWLIN" UNDERWOOD, a big Irishman, 
rises as Wally-as-Horton approaches.  Wally-as-Horton's knees shake 
and he smiles politely.  The whole room tensely watches the 
following exchange.

			UNDERWOOD
		      (timidly)
		Me and the boys was wondering what a 
		guy named Mr. Biggs is doing up in 
		front of your apartment.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Why didn't you ask him?

			UNDERWOOD
		      (self-deprecating laugh)
		Okay, Horton, sure, it's none of our 
		business, you know us, always lookin' 
		for a taste of the action.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Would you like me to ask him for you,
		Mr. Underwood?

			UNDERWOOD
		      (severe anxiety, backing up)
		No, no, come on, Horton, you know us, 
		we're not tryin' to muscle in, you're 
		the man, you call the shots.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		I'm going upstairs now.

			UNDERWOOD
		Sure, Horton, sure.  So, same time 
		for drinks tonight, huh Horton?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Why not, Mr. Underwood?

They look at each other uncertainly.  Wally-as-Horton exits up a 
rear stairway and the room comes back to life.  Underwood returns to 
the table full of Gangsters.

			GANGSTER #1
		      (an Italian)
		What'd he say?

			UNDERWOOD
		       (talking tough)
		Something stinks, big.  Pew.  He kept 
		calling my Mr. Underwood.

			GANGSTER #2
		       (a black guy)
		That's your name.

Underwood twists Gangster #2's nose.

			UNDERWOOD
		Mr. Schmaty Pants: my name's Jimmy!
		That guy, maybe he's been on top too 
		long.  Lemme tell you something; the 
		bigger they are, the harder they fall. 
		       (the Gangsters mutter agreement)
		Hey Vinnie, how 'bout a round a' 
		cheeseburgers?

			GANGSTER #3
		       (a Mexican guy)
		Con mucho queso.

The other Gangsters grunt their approval.

			VINNIE
		      (in front of the open fridge)
		Sorry, gents, looks like we're fresh outta 
		cheese.

The Gangsters raise a ruckus, each in his own dialectical style.

							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S SECOND FLOOR - DAY

Wally-as-Horton reaches the top of the stairs.  Mr. Biggs steps out 
of the shadows, flanked by two big BODYGUARDS in Company "B" 
jumpsuits.  Their heads are bobbing like Bert and Mel's were before 
they peed at the airport.

			MR. BIGGS
		So?  Has the deed been done?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		       (fearfully thinking on his feet)
		I'm going to march right out there 
		and engage the enemy.

			MR. BIGGS
		Every second that genius' brain is working 
		for Company "A", a fog of trouble engulfs 
		our enterprise in a cloud of uncertainty.
		       (moves closer)
		One twenty-five cent bullet, Mr. Thuraby, 
		delivered in a timely fashion, will spell 
		victory for Company "B"

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		And I'll bet there's no butts about it.

			MR. BIGGS
		I think we understand each other.

Mr. Biggs heads down the stairs, followed by his bobbing Bodyguards. 
Wally-as-Horton quickly ducks into the door of Horton's apartment.

							CUT TO:
INT. HORTON'S APARTMENT - DAY

Wally-as-Horton shuts the door, leans back against it, gulping air.
He turns on a light and finds himself staring at two huge gun racks, 
one for rifles, one for pistols.  Wally-as-Horton hyperventilates, 
terrorized.  He takes off his jacket and is shocked to see himself 
wearing an empty shoulder holster. 

							CUT TO:
EXT. WALLY'S HOUSE - DAY

Horton-as-Wally pulls into the driveway in Wally's car.  He gets 
out, heads for the front door.  We hear the ferocious yapping of 
Gucci-Gucci the Pekingese and a moment later it bursts through the 
underbrush and makes a beeline for Horton-as-Wally.  Horton-as-Wally 
turns and his gaze narrows menacingly just as Gucci-Gucci leaps up 
at his face for the kill.

In mid-flight, the look in Horton-as-Wally's eyes register in Gucci-
Gucci's little mind.  Gucci-Gucci puts on the brakes and stops in 
mid-air, inches from Horton-as-Wally's face, lingers there a moment, 
then retreats along the same trajectory, with a squeal of total 
capitulation. 

Gucci-Gucci rolls over and surrenders, begging for mercy.  Horton-
as-Wally snaps his fingers.  Gucci-Gucci leaps up into his arms and 
obsequiously slathers Horton-as-Wally's face with Gucci-Gucci 
devotion.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		    (to Gucci-Gucci)
		In China they eat dogs.

Gucci-Gucci freezes and puts its paws over its eyes.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		Lucky for you we're not in China.

Horton-as-Wally drops Gucci-Gucci and enters the house.  Gucci-Gucci
heels after him like a dog with a PhD from Rin-Tin-tin University.

							CUT TO:

INT. WALLY'S HOUSE - DAY

Horton-as-Wally enters.  With an Apache war whoop, Gordie leaps 
around a corner, pointing  a toy pistol at Horton-as-Wally.  With 
reflexes faster than a jungle cat, Horton-as-Wally whips out his 
huge, chrome-plated .357 Magnum, puts the barrel against Gordie's 
forehead and kicks his legs out from under him.  Gordie hits the 
floor like a sack of rocks, Horton-as-Wally kicks the toy pistol 
away, puts his foot on Gordie's neck and bends Gordie's nose back 
with the Magnum.
			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Didn't anyone ever tell you it's 
		dangerous to play with firearms?

Gordie is shocked into a semi-coma of terror, whimpering like a lost 
baby seal.  We hear Polly coming before she turns the corner.

			POLLY
		Wally, did you remember to pick up 
		the cheese for the wine and cheese--
		      (she turns the corner and sees them)
		WALLY!!!  GET OFF MY CHILD THIS INSTANT!!
		WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!  I'LL KNOCK YOU INTO 
		THE MIDDLE OF NEXT WEEK!!!

Horton-as-Wally's head slowly turns towards her like a robot's.  His 
cold steel eyes meet hers.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What did you say?

			POLLY
		YOU ARE IN SERIOUS, SERIOUS TROUBLE, 
		MISTER !!  I'LL SPANK YOUR BOTTOM SO 
		HARD YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO SIT FOR A --

Horton-as-Wally shoots out an arm with the speed of a cobra, snares 
her adam's apple between his thumb and forefinger and lifts her 
gently, sliding her up the wall.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		That's ... enough.

She faints dead away.  Gordie, afraid to move a muscle, watches them 
out of the corner of his eye.  Gucci-Gucci sits obediently at 
Horton-as-Wally's feet, wagging its tail and smiling, gazing up at 
him with blind adoration.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY

The wheels on the neon skate are revolving slightly faster than the 
last time we saw them.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY

Country-waltz music.  The rink has a few dozen skaters, all pushing 
themselves forward with a strange and somehow familiar bobbing 
motion.  Over at the SKATE CHECK-OUT desk, a sweating, beaming Big
Tom is distributing skates to an eager crowd; his ability to supply 
barely keeping up with demand.  We hear comments from the CROWD:

			CROWD
		      (variously)
		Boy, I haven't been skating in years ...
		you know I must have driver by this 
		place a hundred times and this is the 
		first time I even noticed it was here ...
		hey, Jane, you come here often? ... it's 
		the strangest thing; I was just standing 
		there holding the baby and I suddenly 
		got this urge to skate; I ended up bringing 
		the baby-sitter ... I take a nine, Big Tom ...

Woody sits at the adding machine, ecstatically cranking out numbers
and banking cash.

			WOODY
		This is not bad business for a Thursday.

			RANDY'S VOICE
		How many lumps, Woody?

			WOODY
		ONE!!!  RANDY, ONE!!!

			RANDY'S VOICE
		One lump, coming up, Woody.

			WOODY
		      (embittered, to himself)
		Sure thing, Mister Memory.

							CUT TO:
INT. ROLLERRINK KITCHEN - DAY

A bunch of KIDS on skates are clustered around the snack counter, 
all bobbing their heads.  Randy is adding a lump of sugar to a cup 
of coffee like Madame Curie handling uranium.

			THE KIDS
		Hey, Randy, six Beefy Cheese Louise ...
		man, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse ...
		me, too ...  me three and I just ate lunch ...
		me, too ...

			RANDY
		How many?

			THE KIDS
		SIX!!

Randy nods and his head starts to bob, somewhat erratically.  He 
goes to the Beefy Cheese Louise fridge, opens it.  The patties are 
brown and naked.  No cheese in sight.

Randy doesn't change his expression.  He closes the fridge, paces 
back and forth, reopens the fridge, looks at the cheeseless patties 
again and makes a high whining sound.

We hear three loud beeps from a TRUCK HORN.  Big Tom calls out to 
Woody.
			BIG TOM
		Cheese truck's here.

			WOODY
		I got it.

Woody rises, starts towards the back.  Randy stares at the fridge, 
filled with the wonder of life.

			RANDY
		What a coincidence.

							CUT TO:

EXT. ROLLER RINK LOADING DOCK - DAY

The Drivers are swinging open the rear doors of the cheese truck.
Woody's face falls when he looks inside.  The Drivers look at each 
other, then a Woody.

The truck is empty.  No cheese.  White wax paper printed with the 
words "CHEESE IS MADE FROM MILK" wafts in the breeze.

			DRIVER #2
		That damn truck was filled with cheese.

			DRIVER #1
		Where's that much cheese gonna go?

			WOODY
		      (fighting back panic)
		You want to try to explain this to 
		me and a barnload of hungry skaters?

Out of the Drivers shakes his head, gently kicks a rock.

			WOODY (CONT'D)
		HMMM??!!
							CUT TO:

EXT. NEWTONVILLE HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAY 

We see a banner in the plaza in front of the building:

	       WELCOME TO OUR 35 NEW
	EMPLOYEES FROM LUBBOCK, TEXAS
	    35 NEW REASONS WHY 57 IS 
			NUMBER 1 

A dais is set up under the banner.  A relentlessly cheerful HEINZ 
VICE PRESIDENT is making a speech into a microphone, to the Heinz 
EMPLOYEES gathered in the plaza.

			HEINZ VP
		      (head bobbing slightly)
		It's the start of a brand new tomorrow 
		today and what a beautiful day it is. 
		The sun is shining brightly on Heinz 57. 
		We've got the welcome mat out today -- 

The microphone picks up a loud rumbling from the VP's stomach.

			HEINZ VP  (CONT'D)
		--wo, 'scuse me, guess I'm running on 
		empty -- good thing for me we've got the 
		Welcome Lunch out, too.
		       (enthusiastic applause)
		Good thing for me and for the thirty-five 
		new reasons why Heinz 57 is Number One.
		Now I understand you folks are all from 
		Lubbock, is that right?

We now see the thirty-five Chinese acrobats in their Chinese red 
sweatsuits, standing at the front of the crowd.  They all rapidly 
confer in an obscure Chinese dialect, then a SPOKESMAN steps forward 
and beams proudly.

			SPOKESMAN
		Rubbock.

Applause from the crowd.
							CUT TO:
EXT. THE RIALTO THEATRE - DAY

A STAGEHAND bobs his head while plastering up a bill on a wall 
outside the theater:
		    OPENS TONIGHT
	THE FABULOUS CHINESE ACROBATS
		FROM THE FAR PROVINCES

As he finishes a delivery truck pulls up.  Lettering on the side 
reads:

		LIGHTNING FAST CHINESE

The non-Chinese Delivery Man gets out, carrying a very large box of 
Chinese food in the familiar cardboard buckets.

			STAGEHAND
		Weren't you just here?

			NON-CHINESE DELIVERY MAN
		They phoned up for more.

Off screen we hear a horrendous screeching and squealing.  The 
Delivery man hurries across the street and enters the theater.  A 
moment later the Company "A" limo flies by, lurching and bucking 
like a harpooned whale.
							CUT TO:
INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY

The thirty-five, leisure-suited Texans are spread out all over the 
stage, wolfing down Chinese food like there's no tomorrow.  Empty 
cardboard buckets litter the area.  In b.g., the Delivery Man 
distributes more buckets from his big box.

			THE TEXANS
		      (variously)
		Damn; finish one a'  these, two 
		minutes go by it's like I never et ...
		stuff sure don't stick to your ribs ...
		stuff's startin' to talk back to me ...
		this beer wash' it down real good ...
		'question is, how far down's it gonna 
		go? ... and will it stay there, pa'dner ...
		sompin' tells me this stuff'll repeat on ya ...

ROGER, the light-in-the-loafers Stage Manager minces on state, 
bobbing his head in an esthetic way.

			ROGER
		      (clapping his hands)
		All right, girls, chop-chop --
		     (points to his watch)
		Clockse say time for rehearsee, 
		I'm not getting any younger, the 
		band's paid by the hour -- down
		with the food, on with the tights -- 

The Texans stare at him balefully.  A large one rises, puts a hand 
on Roger's shoulder, towering over him and turns to the group.

			TEXAN #1
		What do you think, boys?  Should we kill him?

			ROGER
		Ooh, quell macho behind the Bamboo
		Curtain -- Roger read you loud and 
		clear, you angry Samurai; time to 
		zippee my lippee.

He mimes zipping and locking his lips, then throws away the "key".
Roger turns to the BAND, in the pit, and mouths the words:

			ROGER (CONT'D)
		Play something!

The Band lurches into a loony Chinese overture.  As if hypnotized, 
all the Texans drop their food containers, run to prearranged spots 
on the stage, roll their socks up over the bottom of their pants 
legs and bow to each other.

Half the troupe leans down and form stirrups with their hands.  The 
other half of the troupe take lumbering runs at them and strain one 
foot up into the stirrup.

With agonized, muscle-ripping heaves, the runners are clumsily 
lifted in unison a few inches into the air and fall as one to the 
stage, landing on their backs like felled redwoods.

			ROGER (CONT'D)
		Ooh.

							CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON SITUATION ROOM - DAY

Doors open and General Conrad is wheeled into the room on a mobile 
rig.  The General wears a full-body cast, stuck in a position like a 
freeze frame of someone being tossed into a swimming pool.

The other Generals, seated as before around the table, give low-key, 
respectful greeting.  An AIDE stands behind each of the Generals, 
holding a stack of computer printout data.

			THE GENERALS
		     (variously)
		Hey, Pappy ... touch break ...
		good to see you back in the saddle ...
		guess you're gonna make that barbecue 
		Saturday, eh Pappy?

Colonel Mofler rises as General Conrad reaches the table, in the 
middle of an extremely long slow burn.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		     (low, angry, controlled)
		Tell me about the fish.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Sir, that tuna's been gaffed and he's 
		coming on deck now --

			GENERAL CONRAD
		What've we got!!

			COLONEL MOFLER
		    (a look to the other Generals)
		Sir, luckily the emission was confined.
		    (looks at the Generals again)
		Confined to the limits of one small town.
		    (looks again)
		Newtonville.  Kansas

Long pause.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		That's IT??!!  We're talking about
		fist piss, what the hell did it DO??!!

Mofler looks at the Generals again, then at his notes.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Uh, possible impact on basic metabolic
		processes.  Negative, uh, infringement 
		on calcium and magnesium molecular 
		structures.  Uh, very likely some 
		compulsive hyperkinetic rebalancing --

			GENERAL CONRAD
		CUT THE CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!  YOU TELL
		ME, COLONEL, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE 
		PULLING UP ON DECK!!

Another look at the Generals.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Well, Sir, there's one thing we can say for 
		certain; Newtonville sure as hell isn't 
		going to have any cheese.

Silence.  General Conrad tightens.  His face turns the color of 
borscht. SOUND of plaster straining.  Hairline cracks appear up and 
down the General's body cast.  Strangulated moaning escapes from the 
General as the cast shatters and he falls out of view like a man 
going through a trapdoor.

The Generals shake their heads in admiration.  They clench their 
cigars, summoning up the Stuff for the ordeal that clearly lies 
ahead.

							CUT TO:

INT. WALLY'S HOUSE - NIGHT

In Gordie's room, Horton-as-Wally pounds the final nail into the 
last in a wallfull of professional looking gun racks.  The others 
are already loaded with Gordie's toy weapons.  Horton-as-Wally turns
to Gordie.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Load 'er up.

Gordie loads the rest of his toys into the rack.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		How many rounds in a Luger magazine?

			GORDIE
		Nine, Sir.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What's the range on that Kalishnikov?

			GORDIE
		Accurate to three-hundred yards, Sir.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Do you ever point a loaded weapon 
		at another human being if you don't 
		intend to use it?

			GORDIE
		No, Sir, never, Sir.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		That's good, Gordon.  Tomorrow we're
		going to talk about hand-to-hand 
		techniques.  Now go tell your Mother 
		we're ready to eat.

			GORDIE
		Yes, Sir, I sure am hungry.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		You and me both, Junior.

Gordie exits happily.

							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

As Horton-as-Wally enters, Polly, wearing a blond, plastic neck 
brace, ios setting out large amounts of food on the table, where 
Gordie's eagerly seated, his head bobbing.

			POLLY
		     (her voice strangely Munchkined)
		Wally, I don't appreciate one little 
		bit being told by Gordie that you're 
		ready to --

Horton-as-Wally sits down, calmly takes out his Magnum and sets it 
on the table beside his plate.  Polly inhales her next word and 
immediately sits.  Gordie stares directly at Horton-as-Wally in a 
trance of admiration.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Dig in, Gordon.  You'll need plenty 
		of energy when we go hand-to-hand.

Polly's impulse to interrogate is just barely contained by her sheer 
terror.  Gordie starts to eat, still gazing worshipfully at Horton-
as-Wally.

			POLLY
		Wally, you'll remember we're having 
		the wine and cheese get-together 
		tomorrow evening and I'll need you to 
		pick --
		      (he shoots her a look)
		-- to remind me to pick up the wine 
		and cheese in the morning.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		      (nods, then to Gordie)
		If we had some cheese, we could have a 
		wine and cheese party, if we had some wine.

Gordie cracks up.  He loves his dad so much now.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		Son, you're bobbing like a boy who
		needs a pogo stick.  What do you say 
		we pick one up tomorrow?

			GORDIE
		     (thrilled)
		Gee, Dad, that'd be great -- what's 
		a pogo stick?

							CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY

A basketball court sized room, the ceilings almost out of sight. 
The walls are covered with murals of animals and fantasy lands. A 
gigantic, electric rocking horse sits in the middle of the room, 
near a desk where Tidman is emptying the contents of a large, grey
sock in front of the seated Professor-as-Newt.  Ike and Mike are 
standing guard nearby.  The Professor-as-Newt stares at the objects 
analytically, on the assumption they hold some hidden, symbolic 
significance.

			TIDMAN
		     (puzzled)
		Don't you recognize these items, 
		Master Newt?

The Professor-as-Newt looks at Tidman, as if to say, "Should I?"

			TIDMAN (CONT'D)
		These are the contents of your sock.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		My sock.

			TIDMAN
		That's right --
		     (picking each object up)
		This is your rock.  This is your 
		piece of string.  This is your 
		pink rubber pig.  This is your 
		record player and your very 
		own record.  See?

Tidman puts the plastic record on the plastic, toy turntable and 
turns it on; a frantic, emotional children's SONG plays.  Assuming 
this is all a test of his brilliance, the Professor-as-Newt cocks 
his head like the RCA dog, listening intently.  He picks up the 
rock, scrutinizing it, measuring it with his fingers.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		     (shrewdly)
		Instantly I see a relationship to 
		ze string.

			TIDMAN
		      (humoring him)
		Yes.  They were all in the sock.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		All in ze sock?

			TIDMAN
		All ... in .... the sock.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Ah, a frame of reference.
		    (putting it all together)
		The sock ... is my universe.  I'm going 
		to need a large chalkboard.


			TIDMAN
		Master Newt, you've come a long, long way.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Halfway around the world.

			TIDMAN
		Yes.  Of course

							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - NIGHT

As the curtain opens on the small stage, BLACK MUSICIANS are playing 
an introductory, three-chord blues riff.  Jimmie Underwood and his 
cronies are seated over drinks in their booth at the back.  Vinnie
comes out on stage and takes the microphone.

			VINNIE
		Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me 
		great pleasure to introduce one 
		of the great legends of the blues, 
		it's his first visit here to the 
		Lightning Rod, direct from Gainesville, 
		Florida, the one and only Stompin' 
		Machine, Sammy "the Stomp" Johnson!

Round of applause, whistles.  Jimmie and his group stomp their feet 
and yell, heads bobbing in unison: the stomping spreads around the 
room.  The musicians start to stomp, the beat is picked up and 
amplified by the bass drum. A spotlight hits the stage and out 
stomps Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp, wearing a baggy, blue-sequined 
suit, a purple pearlescent silk shirt, white bucks and a black 
string tie.  The audience immediately accepts her at face value and 
the applause-o-meter shoots into the danger zone.

Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp, sounding like a bizarro mixture of B.B. 
King and Princess Di, skillfully sings a blues standard with a great 
deal of conviction, passion and diction.

Through the beaded curtain at the back, Wally-as-Horton enters the 
Rod, scans the room, spots Jimmie and company and makes his way to 
their booth.

			GANGSTER #3
		Hey, Horton, where's Lorraine?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Lorraine?

Jimmie backhands Gangster #3 across the nose.

			JIMMIE
		What the hell business is it of yours
		where she is?
		     (to Wally-as-Horton)
		Guy's got a deathwish, huh Horton?
		You gotta forgive a knothead like 
		this.

The Gangsters scrunch together to make room for Wally-as-Horton to 
join them in the booth.  They watch Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp finish 
her number.  Applause.

Under which, Lorraine teeters in on stiletto heels, dressed in a 
clinging, cocktail sheath dress, with a slit up the side halfway to 
Duluth.  She leans down and gives Wally-as-Horton a big wet kiss.

			LORRAINE
		Sorry I'm late.

Wally-as-Horton's eyes roll back, close to losing consciousness.

			LORRAINE (CONT'D)
		What are you doin' sittin' with 
		these creeps?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		They're going to give me a drink.

			LORRAINE
		You mean a Mickey.

			JIMMY
		Lighten up, Lorraine, you gonna stop
		a man from buying a man a drink in this 
		oh-by-gosh-by-golly world?

			LORRAINE
		Who me?
		      (she sits)

			JIMMY
		If you're not gonna stop me ...
		    (Jimmy winks at the others)
		... then I'm not gonna stop you.  I can't
		stop you.  And if I can't stop you, then --

			THE OTHER GANGSTERS
		      (stupid singing)
		-- "who'll stop Lorraine?"

On stage, Alice-as-Sammy-the-Stomp overhears the gangsters and 
interpreting it as a request, launches the band into a tight, 
explosive cover of CCR's "Who'll Stop the Rain?"

Jimmy raises his wine glass.

			JIMMY
		I'd like to propose a toast ...

Wally-as-Horton, Lorraine and the other Gangsters raise their wine 
glasses.

			JIMMY (CONT'D)
		To Mr. Horton Thuraby, the fastest 
		gun in the west, with all good wishes 
		for continued success, especially in 
		whatever it is you might be doing at 
		the present time, which we have not 
		been let in on but tomorrow's a new 
		day ...

They wait to see if he's finished.  Wally-as-Horton leans way 
forward, forms a perfect "O" with his lips, attaches his lips to the 
glass and makes like the babbling brook.  The others look at him 
like he just flew in from Mars.  He continues to make the sound.

The Gangsters and Lorraine look at each other.  Cautiously, they all 
lean forward and duplicate Wally-as-Horton's wine tasting technique. 
The band stops playing, all eyes turn to the booth.  The sound of 
the babbling brook continues.
							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - NIGHT

Busier than before.  A few happy SKATERS are seated at the lunch 
counter, heads all bobbing.  Holding a sheet of hamburger buns like 
an accordion, Randy leans in uncomfortable close to one SKATER.

			RANDY
		I was telling Big Tom I smell gas.
			And I still smell gas.

Stripping receipts off the spindle nearby, Woody grimaces and pulls 
on his hair.
							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S SECOND FLOOR - NIGHT

Lorraine and Wally-as-Horton make their way up the stairs.  Wally-
as-Horton is half in the bag, leading them in singing a mutilated 
version of "Strangers in the Night".  They stop outside the door to 
Horton's apartment.  Wally-as-Horton extends a hand.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Well, this is where I get off.

			LORRAINE
		You and me both, you animal.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		      (shaking her hand)
		Thank you for a wonderful evening, 
		Laura.

			LORRAINE
		You clown -- oh, I see, you want 
		to play Perfect Strangers, I like 
		this.
		      (she grabs his necktie)
		Why don't you take me into your 
		apartment, Harley and let's see if I can 
		get that big engine of your's started?

We HEAR a rapid thumping, increasing in volume and intensity and 
Wally-as-Horton's shirt starts to kick out like he's hiding a 
mule undergoing shock treatment in his chest.

She opens the door and pulls him by the tie into the dark apartment.
The door closes.  From inside, we hear Wally-as-Horton's heart 
beating faster.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAWN

The early morning sun illuminates the "Welcome to Newtonville" sign.
Parked behind the sign in his patrol car, Dougy "Sherlock" Watson is 
catching some Z's.  His head bobs slightly in his sleep.

In the distance we hear the grinding and screeching of the Company 
A" limo as it tears down the highway and roars past the sign.
"Sherlock" Watson wakes up like someone just poured ice water in his 
shorts and sees the limo racing away.  He starts the engine, hits 
the siren and screeches out onto the highway, bubble lights 
flashing, chasing the limo.

CAMERA holds on the sign.  A few moments later, the patrol car zooms 
back past the sign in reverse, the limo gaining on his front bumper. 
"Sherlock" Watson testing the envelope of landspeed-backwards 
travel.

The wretched whine of tortured engines fades.  Lightning strikes the 
desert in background.  Moments later, what seems to be a sandstorm 
erupts in the dry desert around the sign.  Descending into this 
malstrom, we see a contorted, white apparition attached to a 
harness on a cable; General Conrad, in a new plaster body cast.

As he nears the ground, two troop carriers and a jeep speed into 
frame, combat-ready GROUND TROOPS pour out and lower General Conrad 
into a steel-tube scaffolding that allows him to stand in the back 
of the jeep.  He's strapped in, a microphone in front of his face 
and large speakers on either side of him.

During above, the Generals with the Right Stuff and Colonel Mofler 
arrive in a fleet of staff cars and three more transports disgorge 
three companies of Marines.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		     (into the loudspeakers)
		Fall out! Fall out!  Secure the perimeter 
		of Newtonville!  No one gets in or out 
		without my say-so!  Move, move, move!

							CUT TO:
EXT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAWN

Songbirds.  Peace.  No one in sight.
							CUT TO:
INT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAWN

An empty corridor.  A blaring alarm starts filling the corridor with 
sound.  We hear frantic, running footsteps approaching and moments 
later a panicked HEINZ EMPLOYEE comes into view around a corner, 
screaming ...

			HEINZ EMPLOYEE
		THERE'S NO CHEESE!!!  THERE'S NO 
		CHEESE!!!
							CUT TO:

INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE AREA - DAY

Carrying his sock and the Trick Dog, Newt-as-the-Professor is 
escorted into a small, sparsely appointed laboratory by Bert and 
Mel.  In the room are a chalkboard, a box of chalk, a chair and a 
periodic table of elements hanging on a wall.

			BERT
		These are all the things you asked 
		for, Professor.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
		Four

			MEL
		     (nose expertly bandaged)
		For your work.  You're sure there's 
		nothing else you need?

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
		Zero.

			BERT
		Okay, Professor.

			MEL
		We're going now.

			BERT
		We'll leave you to it.

No response.  Bert and Mel exit.

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE HALLWAY - DAY

Bert and Mel stop in the corridor.

			BERT
		He seems pretty preoccupied.

			MEL
		I'm sure he's got a lot on his mind.

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE LAB - DAY

Newt-as-the Professor looks at the closed door.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
		One.  Two.  Three.  Four.  Five.

Newt-as-the Professor sits on the floor and opens his sock.  The 
Trick Dog sits beside him, watching attentively.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		Zero.

He takes his piece of string out of his sock and lays it out on the 
floor.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		One.

He takes his smooth rock out of the sock and sets it down a certain, 
exact distance from the string.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		Two.

We move off him towards a large mirror in the wall to his left.

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

In a room filled with whirring computers, the group of Company "A" 
SCIENTISTS we saw earlier observe Newt-as-the Professor through the 
one-way glass mirror.  Some of them sit at computer consoles, ready 
to input Newt-as-the Professor's every action into their massive 
hard discs.  Mel and Bert enter and stand at the back of the room, 
near Sammy-"the Stomp"-as Alice.

			BERT
		This is what we've been waiting for.

			MEL
		To watch an authentic genius at work.

One of the Scientists shushes them.  The group watches as Newt-as-
the Professor takes his plastic record player out of the sock and 
carefully sets it down.  Video cameras record his every move.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
		    (through a speaker in Room A)
		Three.

They watch as Newt-as-the Professor takes out his record and puts it 
on the turntable.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		Four.

Newt-as-the Professor turns it on; we hear the same frantic 
children's song we heard on the other record player at Newton Manor.
The Scientists look at each other, a little wide-eyed.

			SCIENTIST #1
		     (reassuringly)
		Looks like he's getting warmed up.

			SCIENTIST #2
		He's priming the pump.

			SAMMY-THE-STOMP-AS-ALICE
		      (aside to Bert and Mel)
		That is one peculiar pump.

Bert and Mel look him/her up and down.

Newt-as-the Professor takes the pink, rubber pig out of the sock and 
sets it down near the other objects.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		Five.

Newt-as-the Professor opens the box of chalk, takes out a piece of 
chalk and feeds it into the open hold in the pig's mouth.  He stands 
up and starts flying the pig around the room in time to the music. 
He occasionally grazes the chalk that extends out of the pig's mouth 
against the blackboard.  The Trick Dog starts jumping back and 
forth over the chair.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR
		Candy Pigs.  Candy Pigs.

			SCIENTIST #1
		I'd heard his methods were unorthodox.

			SCIENTIST #2
		Stand by on computers; we'll have to 
		be on our toes ... school is in session.

The other Scientists nod in uncertain agreement.

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE LAB - DAY

Newt-as-the Professor cruises around the room with the pig.  As he 
passes the periodic table on the far wall, we notice an eyeball 
watching Newt-as-the Professor through the letter "o" in the word 
"oxygen".
							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE SECRET OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY 

The eyeball belongs to Mr. Posthole, the Company "B" spy, secreted 
away in this tiny, dark space.  He speaks into a small transmitter 
hidden in his pen holder.

			MR. POSTHOLE
		Now he's simulating a kinetic flow 
		with the porcine symbol ... my 
		guess is he's establishing a spatial 
		vector between the objects for the 
		purpose of conceptual comparisons ...
		     (overwhelmed by the "brilliance")
		... my God, I can't believe what I'm 
		witnessing, tell Mr. Biggs he's shed 
		more light on Arbitrary Permutation in 
		the last three minutes than we got in 
		two years out in the bush observing 
		the Mystic Sufis --
		     (back to business)
		Am I kidding myself, or does the dog 
		represent Heisenberg's Uncertainty 
		Principle?

							CUT TO:

EXT. LUCKY BUCK'S USED CARS AND TRUCKS - DAY

A beautiful summer morning.  Horton-as-Wally drives up, parks beside 
the sales office and heads inside.  He feels like whistling and gets 
out a note before catching himself.  He enters the sales office.

							CUT TO:
INT. LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - DAY

As Horton-as-Wally enters, Lucky Buck gestures to him from behind 
his desk.

			LUCKY BUCK
		Soldier, First Bugle's at 0900 
		hours, I'd like you to take a good 
		long look at your timepiece, bedbug, 
		and give me one good reason why I 
		shouldn't dock you three minutes 
		wages.  You're a slacker, a slouch;
		the original sadsack.

Horton-as-Wally, motionless, stares at this creature in disbelief. 
A twinge of uneasiness filters down to Lucky Buck's cortex but he 
shakes it off, crooks a finger and summons Horton-as-Wally.

			LUCKY BUCK (CONT'D)
		Walk that butt of yours right over here.
		Private, I want to show you what put me 
		off my breakfast this morning.

Horton-as-Wally, stoking a nuclear powered slow burn, ambles over to 
the desk, under ...

			LUCKY BUCK (CONT'D)
		The most pitiful, the most sickening 
		and embarrassing sales record it's 
		ever been my misfortune to encounter.
		We're talking court martial.  Dishonorable 
		discharge.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What did you say?

			LUCKY BUCK
		     (on micro-thin ice)
		I said if this was Japan and I were 
		to hand you the hari-kari blade and 
		you were anything but the most miserable 
		excuse for a man in this outfit --

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		That's enough.

Horton-as-Wally reaches out, grips Lucky Buck by the Adam's apple and 
puts him gently against the wall and speaks calmly.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		The things you've been saying and 
		this attitude you're expressing 
		towards me are unacceptable.  You 
		will never do this again.

			LUCKY BUCK
		     (up about two octaves)
		I agree completely.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Fine.  Let's sell some cars.

			LUCKY BUCK
		I'm all for it.

Horton-as-Wally releases Lucky Buck.  Lucky Buck tells his trembling, 
uncooperative facial muscles to smile, but the result looks like the 
mouth of a catfish in a wind tunnel.

			LUCKY BUCK (CONT'D)
		Thank you.

							CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY

Tidman enters, with Ike and Mike behind him.  The Professor-as-Newt 
sits at his desk, contemplating the contents of the sock laid 
carefully out on the desktop, deeply lost in thought.  A large, 
blank blackboard stands at the ready.

			TIDMAN
		Good morning, Master Newt.

No response.  The Professor-as-Newt doesn't budge, doesn't blink.

			TIDMAN (CONT'D)
		Sleep well, did you?  Master 
		Newt?  Master Newt?

Tidman touches the Professor-as-Newt's shoulder.  The Professor-as-
Newt snaps out of his reverie and looks up at Tidman.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		     (instantly alert)
		Vhat kind of day is it?  Is it a 
		cloudy day?  Or is it a pleasant day?

			TIDMAN
		It's a pleasant day, Master Newt.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		That's good.
		      (they smile at each other)
		You're the fellow who was in here
		before.

			TIDMAN
		Yes, I'm Tidman.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Tidman.  You'll understand if I 
		return to my work now.

He turns back to the desktop.  Tidman looks at Ike and Mike, sighs.

			TIDMAN
		Master Newt ... it's time for your 
		morning bath.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		    (getting aggravated)
		Please, kind sir, can't you see ... 
		I am this close --
		     (holds up thumb and forefinger)
		-- this close -- these symbols are 
		swimming, swarming in my mind like 
		your bumblebees I've heard so much 
		about -- what pulls and pushes is 
		looking more and more like the 
		interwoven fibers of the SOCK!!

			TIDMAN
		     (a pause, sternly)
		Do you see your pig?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		     (thinking it's a clue, excited)
		Yes?

			TIDMAN
		You're just as dirty as a pig.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		      (eager to know more)
		I am?  What does this mean?

			TIDMAN
		It's time to see your Grandfather ...
		it's time for your bath.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		      (a new tangent)
		Dirt ... water ... like a MEMBRANE!!

Tidman motions to Ike and Mike.  They pick the Professor-as-Newt up 
by the arms and carry him towards the door.

			TIDMAN
		Master Newt?

They stop.  The Professor-as-Newt looks back at him.

			TIDMAN (CONT'D)
		     (holding it up)
		Don't you want to bring your pig?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		      (considers)
		Vell, yes.  I suppose I do.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR BATH ROOM - DAY

Ike and Mike carry the Professor-as-Newt, who's cradling his pig, 
into the Roman bath-sized room.  Tidman follows.  Ike and Mike wear 
regular bathing suits and t-shirts.  The Professor-as-Newt is 
wearing a 1890's style bathing suit.  Also wearing the same style 
suit, GRANDAD NEWTON, an ancient, shriveled version of Newt, stands 
unsteadily in the far end of the steamy, swimming pool sized 
bathtub.  On the back of both their suits are the words:

	LONG DISTANCE SWIMMER

Ike and Mike carry the Professor-as-Newt down steps into the bath 
and drop him kitty-korner from Grandad.  Tidman announces:

			TIDMAN
		Grandad, Master Newt is here.

Grandad looks at the Professor-as-Newt, shakes his head.

			GRANDAD
		That's not Newt.

			TIDMAN
		Don't be mean, Grandad, Newt's come such 
		a long way to see you.  And I'll bet he'd 
		love to hear your record; wouldn't you 
		like to play it for him?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		I vould like to hear your record.  Does it 
		have any bearing on the pig?  Or perhaps, 
		dirt or a membrane of some kind?

Grandad smiles warmly; he likes this guy even if it isn't Newt and 
he's the only one who realizes it.  Grandad reaches out of the pool 
and turns on his plastic record player, similar to the one from the 
sock. We hear a sweet, tender, warm-hearted song.  As it plays, 
Grandad takes out his own pink rubber pig and starts to suds it up 
with a little brush.  The Professor-as-Newt watches him intently, 
smiling when Grandad smiles at him. 

			GRANDAD
		Clean pig.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		      (aha, another clue)
		A...clean...pig.

The Professor-as-Newt starts to scrub his pig.  Using long-
handled brushes, Ike and Mike begin scrubbing down Grandad and 
the Professor-as-Newt.  Tidman steals behind a column and sneaks 
a smoke.

							CUT TO:
INT. AIRPORT - DAY

Moving off a clock that reads 12:33, we see Hank the Barber 
exit the Barber Shop and move to the newsstand.  He picks up 
a newspaper and hands it to the Cashier.

			CASHIER
		The Hank, usual?

			HANK THE BARBER
		Bet you.

The Cashier takes the paper, opens the cash register drawer 
and tries to stuff the newspaper inside.  Meanwhile, Hank unwraps 
a candy bar and smears it in a tight circle on his forehead, 
near the third eye area.  The Cashier takes out a handful of 
nickels and dimes, holds out his arm and throws the coins onto 
the corridor floor.  The Barber and the Cashier stare at each 
other with a look of complete blankness.  The Barber spins 
violently and storms back to the Barbershop.

Moving off them we find General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the 
other Generals observing the exchange.  A SOLDIER approaches, 
urgently.

			SOLDIER
		General, if you'd like to follow me.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		What is it?

			SOLDIER
		I think we've got a nibble.

They quickly follow the Soldier, Mofler and the other Generals 
carrying General Conrad to the baggage claim area.  The carousel has 
been roped off and a number of SOLDIERS are crawling around, 
carrying weird, Geiger-counter-like devices, all glowing and 
emitting whooping noises.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		You smell that, Mofler?
	
			COLONEL MOFLER
		What's that, Sir?

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Tuna piss.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Yes, Sir.  Ground Zero.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Mofler, you know what happens when tuna 
		goes bad?

Mofler nods, apprehensive, as the other Generals gather round.

			GENERAL CONRAD (CONT'D)
		Gentleman, we've got twenty-four hours to 
		cook this fish before it starts drawing 
		flies from Washington.  I don't have to tell 
		you who'll have his barnacles scraped in 
		drydock if that happens.

							CUT TO:

INT. LUCKY BUCKS USED CARS AND TRUCKS - DAY

The sales office is teeming with a crowd of anxious, head-bobbing 
CAR PURCHASERS.  Lucky Buck, in seventh heaven behind his desk, is 
processing purchase agreements as fast as he can write.

			LUCKY BUCK
		      (over above, voice still high)
		Take a number, please ... Lucky 
		Buck'll get to you lucky shoppers 
		as soon as he can ...

			CAR PURCHASERS 
		      (variously)
		I've got to have that car ... Wally 
		said it was the car for me and I 
		think he was right! ... I love that 
		car ... Wally wants me to have this 
		car and I don't want to upset him, 
		he was quite insistent ...

							CUT TO:

EXT. LUCKY BUCK'S LOT - DAY 

Horton-as-Wally walks a slow, rheumatic LITTLE OLD LADY firmly by 
the elbow through the lot.  As her head bobs, her eye is drawn to a 
flashy, sporty convertible.

			LITTLE OLD LADY
		But I'm really kind of partial 
		to that one --

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		No.

He stops her in front of a sensible, four-door sedan.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		     (finger in her face)
		This is the car for you.

They Lady's eye's quiver.  We hear a splashing on the tarmac.  We see 
a puddle forming between her orthopedic shoes.

			LITTLE OLD LADY
		      (not eager to disappoint him)
		Where do I sign?

							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY

Jimmie Underwood and the Boys sit around a table, over beers, heads 
bobbing, deeply troubled.

			JIMMIE
		How can you tail a guy who don't 
		go out of his room?

			MEXICAN GANGSTER
		What are they doing up there?

They all punch him on the shoulders.

			MEXICAN GANGSTERS (CONT'D)
		No, I mean, this ain't like Horton;
		he don't mix business with pleasure.

			JIMMIE
		Horton's beginning to act like an 
		enigma.

The other Gangsters brush off their sleeves and pick lint off their 
lapels.  Mr. Biggs and his two Bodyguards are eavesdropping on this 
conversation from the next booth.  Mr. Biggs gets up and moves to 
Jimmie Underwood.

			MR. BIGGS
		I couldn't help overhearing what you
		gentlemen were discussing.  I, too, 
		have concern with regards to the behavior 
		of Mr. Horton Thursby.  Perhaps we can 
		find a path through this thicket of 
		doubt and confusion to a golden pagoda 
		of mutual satisfaction.

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		You're Mr. Biggs.

			MR. BIGGS
		Indeed I am, Sir.  Let's talk turkey.

			MEXICAN GANGSTER
		Con mucho queso.

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		There isn't gonna be any turkey or cheese. 
		Your deal's with Thursby.

			MR. BIGGS
		Until this moment.  I consider it 
		void for non-performance of services.
		Take Thursby out ... and the deal is 
		yours.

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		One, two, three ...

The gangsters all give the thumbs up sign on the silent count of 
"four"

							CUT TO:
INT. HORTON THURSBY'S ROOM

A clock reads:  2:00 PM.  Wearing a smile as wide as the 
Mississippi, Wally-as-Horton lounges between the sheets with 
Lorraine.  Wally-as-Horton sings her a little ditty.  She giggles 
like an adored and adorable schoolgirl.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		    (picture Gary Cooper, happy drunk)
		Gosh, I think you're peachy/
		And I'll bet you'd look real swell/
		In a swimsuit at the beachy/
		You really ring my bell/
		Gosh, of gosh, oh gosh.

He pinches her nose, then holds up the tip of his thumb between two 
fingers. 

			WALLY-AS-HORTON (CONT'D)
		If I keep this, will it start to smell?

She giggles.  He kisses her "nose" and puts it "back".

			LORRAINE
		Oh, Horton, this is the most romantic 
		day we've ever spent.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Oh gosh.

			LORRAINE
		If I feel anymore love I think I'll just 
		wiggle right out of my skin!!

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Awww.  Me too.

She kisses him tenderly and quickly accelerating passion.  Wally-as-
Horton's t-shirt starts thumping like a jackhammer.

							CUT TO:
EXT. GRAZING PASTURE - DAY

A number of dairy cows stand in the field, moving their lips and 
making an eerie, melodic yodeling.  Moving over we find General 
Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals standing on the edge of the 
field.  Behind them, a mass of Soldiers are standing by.  One of the 
Generals looks through a huge pair of binoculars.  Colonel Mofler 
holds a tape recorder's microphone towards the cows.

							INTERCUT:
BINOCULAR POV

CLOSE on a big pair of yodeling cow's lips.

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY 

Newt-as-the-Professor lays out the piece of string on the floor, 
picks up the rock and bangs it up in down on the string in time to 
the song on the record player.

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE BUNKER - DAY

We see Newt-as-the Professor on a video monitor mounted on a wall in 
Company "A"'s secret boardroom.  Cinderblock walls, low green 
fluorescent lights.  The group of Scientists we saw earlier 
observing Newt-as-the Professor are seated around the table, 
watching the monitor with Chairman Delbert Corrigan and his lovely 
wife, Simone.  Bert and Mel are standing quietly in the back near 
Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice.  Everyone watches the monitor intently, 
heads bobbing, as we hear the tap-tap-tapping of Newt-as-the-
Professor's rock.  A plate of small sandwiches sits in the middle of 
the table.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		     (watching the monitor, dumbfounded)
		Interesting.  But, somehow, vague.

			SIMONE
		    (cutting the bullshit)
		What the hell is he  doing?  We paid 
		top dollar for this dimwit.

			SCIENTIST #1
		    (cowed but unbroken)
		Mrs. Corrigan, please, this is an intuitive, 
		rhythmic translation of pure thought 
		into interpretive kineseology.

			SIMONE
		Oh please.

			SCIENTIST #2
		We think it's a code.  We just haven't 
		cracked it yet.

			SIMONE
		I'll tell you what's cracked around here, 
		he is.  He was cracked when he got here.

			DELBERT
		Perhaps he was damaged in shipping.

At the back, Bert and Mel exchange an anxious glance.  Mel grimaces 
and draws a finger across his throat.

			BERT
		    (nods, whispers)
		Pink slips, Mel.

			MEL
		Time to update those resumes.

			SCIENTIST #1
		    (showing scads of print-outs)
		Our data indicates he's in the process 
		of establishing the formula.

Still in time to the music, Newt-as-the-Professor is now hitting the 
pig with the rock and jumping it down on the string.  Each time he 
hits it, the pig emits a high, sharp squeak.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		    (trying to grasp it)
		Ah, the frustration of the layman.

			SCIENTIST #2
		    (trying to be helpful)
		Might I suggest you read Smyth on the 
		encoding of natural processes in syncopated 
		Pygmy drumbeats?

Simone lets out a heavy, critical sigh and rolls her eyes.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		    (trying to sum up)
		I think what Simone and I are trying 
		to say, old boys, is that we're 
		somewhat concerned, as anyone would 
		be after a cash outlay of this magnitude, 
		with no apparent return other than these 
		inscrutable, albeit intriguing abstractions.
		    (loses his train of thought)
		Company "A" is behind you one hundred 
		percent.
		    (bites into a sandwich)
		Cracking good sandwiches, these.  Sandwich, 
		Simone?

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE COMPUTER ROOM - DAY

MONTAGE: whirring computers; on computer monitors, black and white 
stills of the lab floor are overlaid with a grid, computerized 
vectors compute distances between the objects with calipers, 
feeding the data over microphone to programmers at keyboards; a 
Scientist with headphones on analyzes the music from Newt's record 
on computer.

In the secret observation room behind the element chart, Mr. 
Posthole video tapes Newt-as-the-Professor through the peep hole.

In another computer room at company "B", the video data from Mr. 
Posthole's camera is on a big monitor, being analyzed by Company 
"B"'s battery of computers.
							CUT TO:
INT. EXT. TOY STORE - DAY

A sign reads:

		ZAP TOYS

							CUT TO:

INT. TOY STORE - DAY

Horton-as-Wally leads Gordie stand in front of the counter where 
kindly old MISTER ZAP climbs up a tall ladder, pulls a pogo stick 
down off a shelf and blows off a thick layer of dust.

			MISTER ZAP
		    (still on the ladder)
		Yep.  Haven't sold one of these things 
		in years.  Got a back order died on 
		the shelf.  Been clogging up my 
		inventory since '59.  Used to be I'd 
		see kids bouncing all over Main 
		Street on these things.
		    (getting carried away)
		Wished I had a nickel for every one 
		of these I saw bouncing by my window.
		Could'a sold this old shop.  Could'a 
		moved up ta Granny's farm 'fore the 
		rheumatism took her.  Yep, I --

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		    (no good can come from this)
		That's enough.

At 8 fps, Mr. Zap zips down the ladder and rings up the sale.

							CUT TO:
EXT. TOY STORE - DAY

Regular speed.  Horton-as-Wally watches with a smile as Gordie hops 
on the stick and bounces away down Main Street.  A couple of head 
bobbing KIDS spot Gordie and are thunderstruck with desire for a 
stick of their own.
							CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLER RINK - EVENING

Sun set over the big skate.  The exterior lights come on.  The 
parking lot is jammed with cars and would-be skaters.

							CUT TO:
INT. ROLLER RINK - EVENING

In front of the empty skate dispensing shelves, Big Tom, Woody and 
Randy stare in amazement at the rink, packed solid, shoulder-to-
shoulder with happy skaters, a mass of human flesh traveling around 
and around.

			WOODY
		    (incredulous)
		This is great business, even for a Friday.

			BIG TOM
		Pinch me, Woody, I think we're dreaming.

			WOODY
		    (has to worry about something)
		Who are these people?  They look like 
		total strangers.

			RANDY
		    (at his most insistent)
		Big Tom.  I still smell --

Woody clamps a hand over Randy's mouth.

			BIG TOM
		Oh, the sound of many skates on wood.

CLOSE-UPS of many skates thunderously wheeling around the rink.

							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY HORTON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Horton-as-Wally scrutinizes pairs of polyester-clad GUESTS entering 
the house for the wine and cheese party, each carrying a bottle of 
wine.  Polly greets them at the door and they all pointedly ignore 
Horton-as-Wally.

			GUESTS AND POLLY
		     (variously)
		We were so fortunate to find this last 
		dusty little bottle ... Ted's so silly 
		he thought Neuf de Pape was the sound 
		champagne made when you opened it ...
		we thought you'd like this adorable 
		burgundy ... I've read about it; it's 
		ingratiating without being impudent ...

Polly glances over at Horton-as-Wally.  He's just turned the heat up 
on his slow burn.
							CUT TO:

INT. RIALTO THEATER - NIGHT

Thunderous applause from the packed house, among them some soldiers, 
watching strategically. A spot comes up on Mayor Billy Benson as he 
walks out on stage.  Watching from a gold circle box on the mezzanine 
level are General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the other Generals.

			MAYOR BILLY BENSON
		Thank you, thank you and welcome, one 
		and all.
		    (his hand is bobbing erratically)
		Before I introduce the illustrious Chinese
		Acrobats I have an important announcement 
		to make.
		    (the crowd hushes)
		During the last twenty-four hours I, Mayor 
		Billy Benson, have struggled mightily with 
		the questions and issues weighing heavily 
		on all our minds in these, our troubled times.
		Ladies and gentlemen, Atlas did not shrug.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		   (whispers to Mofler)
		Where's my bozo gun?

			MAYOR BILLY BENSON
		And so it is tonight, with a heart filled with 
		joy and promise, that I am announcing my 
		candidacy for the office of President of these 
		United States of America.

Dead silence.  Benson twitches, salutes sharply and strides off.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Drop a net on that one, Mofler.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		He's got trout farm written all over him.

The band strikes up the Chinese overture.  Lights dim.  Curtains 
open.  To tumultuous applause the thirty-five Texans stride out and 
take a bow.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		   (squinting)
		Kind'a big for Chinese.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Maybe the stage is small.

A steady drum bead-roll, the Texans scramble back and, paunches 
straining, begin to form a massive, five-tiered human pyramid.

Roger, the stage manager, watches from the wings, crossing all his 
fingers and biting a nail, as his head bobs.

The men of the last tier climb precariously up to complete the 
clumsiest and least graceful human pyramid in recorded history.  The 
bottom tier starts to shake and shimmy; the keystone Man's knees 
start to buckle.  The tiers sag inwards towards the middle.  With a 
look of eye-popping strain, the keystone Man farts.  A split-second 
later, another first-tier Texan rips a cheese-cutter and the Pyramid 
collapses like a dynamited housing project.

			ROGER
		    (averting his eyes)
		Chinese food.  Ix-nay on the Chinese food.

							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S BACKSTAIRS - NIGHT

Wally-as-Horton and Lorraine come down the stairs, happily glued to 
each other.  They enter the main room of the Rod.  CUSTOMERS are 
wolfing down huge portions of Vinnie's bad food.  Jimmie and the 
Gangsters, seated at a table in the middle of the room, all rise, 
apprehensive, on edge.  Vinnie approaches.

			VINNIE
		Evening, Horton.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		    (happily)
		Evening.  We're starved!

			LORRAINE
		For food, that is, but not for anything 
		else.

			VINNIE
		Two deluxe dinners, coming right up.
		     (he moves off)

			JIMMIE
		    (strained)
		Have a seat with us, Horton.  We've got 
		plenty of room.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Gee, thanks, Mr. Underwood.

The other Gangsters back away from the table, as Wally-as-Horton and 
Lorraine take a seat.  Vinnie sets down two sticky plates full of 
undifferentiated sludge.

			VINNIE
		Buon appetito!
		    (he moves off)

The other Gangsters sit down again.  Wally-as-Horton feels some 
tension and starts to get nervous.  Jimmie Underwood moves behind 
Wally-as-Horton into the shadows.  High violin/rash music fades in, 
as Wally-as-Horton's rash starts to bedevil him.  He moves his left 
are uncomfortably as he starts to eat.

			LORRAINE
		    (picking up on the danger)
		Horton, something's not right.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Yeah, this food is terrible.

			LORRAINE
		No.  Where's Jimmie?

Behind them, in the shadows, Jimmie Underwood slowly draws a pistol 
from his jacket.  His itch intensifying, Wally-as-Horton reaches 
into his jacket to scratch his rash.  The Other Gangsters dive lean 
back, expecting the worse.  As Wally-as-Horton scratches his rash he 
accidently discharges the Magnum in his shoulder holster.  BANG!

The bullet shoots a hole in Wally-as-Horton's jacket, ricochets off 
the metal chairleg, flies up and knocks the gun out of Jimmie 
Underwood's hand.  Wally-as-Horton spins around.  The other 
Gangsters dive under the table and the rest of the room takes cover. 

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Oh geez, Mr. Underwood, I'm so sorry, 
		are you okay?

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		    (reduced to a whimpering mass)
		Go ahead, finish me.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Was you dinner that bad, too?  I could 
		cook better than that.  In fact I could 
		cook a lot better than that.

			LORRAINE
		    (puzzled)
		You cook?

Silence.  The other Gangsters stare at him in bewilderment and fear.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Well ... yeah, I cook.

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		    (frantically looking for a foothold)
		You cook?   cook, too.

			ITALIAN GANGSTER
		You guys cook?  So do I.

			BLACK GANGSTER
		No kidding?  I love to cook.

			MEXICAN GANGSTER
		Yo, tambien.  Con mucho queso!!

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		I was always kind's afraid to say so.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Hey, there's nothing wrong with cooking.

			LORRAINE
		Some of the world's greatest cooks are 
		men.  Maybe Vinnie will let you boys 
		cook something.

			CUSTOMERS
		    (variously)
		Anything'd be better than this slop ...
		let 'em cook ... hey, Vinnie, let 'em 
		cook!
		    (stomping as they shout)
		Let them cook!  Let them cook!  Let 
		them cook!

			VINNIE
		    (happily joining in the chant)
		They can cook!  They can cook!

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		    (offering a hand)
		Whadda ya say, Hort?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Let's cook!

							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The entire room full of Guests, and Polly, are doing the "babbling 
brook".  Horton-as-Wally watches them in disgusted disbelief.  A
Guest with thick glasses turns to Horton-as-Wally.

			THICK-GLASSES GUEST
		You're very quiet this evening, Wally.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Yes I am.

DICK, a big, mean Sportsman, has heard this exchange.

			DICK
		I suppose it's a little past your 
		bedtime, huh Wally?

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		No.  I just want ot make sure Polly 
		enjoys her party.

Within earshot, Polly smiles, enormously pleased, then starts 
offering a tray full of turgid treats around the room. 

			POLLY
		Cheese substitute?  Cheese substitute?

A Second Sportsman Guest, HAL, slightly looped and smelling a bit of 
fun, moves next to Dick, near Horton-as-Wally.

			HAL
		Dick and I were wondering if you'd
		sold your first car yet, Wally.

			DICK
		Yeah, how long you been working there, 
		'bout fifteen years now, isn't it?
		You're headed for the Guiness Book 
		of World Records there, Wally boy.

A moment of tense silence.

			POLLY
		Dick, I'll have you know Wally's sold 
		almost every car on the lot in the last 
		two days.

			HAL
		There's a sucker born every minute and 
		even a sucker can get a driver's license.

			POLLY
		    (a bit aglow: can it be love?)
		Well, I'm very proud of Wally.  Lucky 
		Buck's make him a full partner.

			DICK
		I guess Lucky Buck threw himself on 
		too many grenades.

			POLLY
		    (sees the bumblebees in Horton's eyes)
		Dick?  Are you trying to provoke Wally?

			DICK
		Full partner?   Selling cars?  Is Polly 
		weaning you, Wally boy?

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Excuse me?

			DICK
		Thought for sure there'd be a little 
		rubber nipple on your glass there tonight. 
		You know; per usual.

A buzzing like twelve cubic yards of killer bees fills the room.  A 
row of nervous female GUESTS "babble brook" their wine.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What did you say?

			DICK
		You heard me, Wimpy --

Horton-as-Wally throws a six-inch uppercut that puts Dick twelve 
block down on "Queer Street".  Hal moves three centimeters towards 
Horton-as-Wally and one punch later finds himself on the floor, 
looking for his eye-teeth.

In one fluid motion Horton-as-Wally whips out the Magnum and fires a 
single shot down the row of female Guests, severing the stem of 
their wine glasses.  The wine empties onto the carpet like sand 
through an hour glass.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Goodnight.

At 8 fps the room empties out the front door.  Returning to normal 
speed, Horton-as-Wally holsters the Magnum.  Polly points a not-
entirely-angry finger at him.

			POLLY
		Wally Newton!

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		    (responding in kind)
		Polly Newton!

He grabs her, spanks her once playfully.  She spanks him back and 
giggles.  He throws her over his shoulder and marches her upstairs 
to you-know-where.
							CUT TO:
INT. GORDIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Little Gordie sleeps peacefully, a blissful smile on his face, as he 
cradles his precious pogo stick.

							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD KITCHEN - NIGHT

Wally-as-Horton and Jimmie Underwood are the boys are all in aprons, 
laboring over different pots and griddles, each eagerly preparing 
his own specialty, moving in and around each other with precision 
choreography, taste-testing, pondering, adjusting ingredients. 
Lorraine is working as Wally-as-Horton's spice gofer.

Vinnie comes back into the kitchen, carrying a huge stainless steel 
baking tin. 

			VINNIE
		This one big enough, Horton?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		That should do it, what do you think boys?

The others nod and continue cooking.  Vinnie stands around like a 
fifth wheel.
			VINNIE
		So, how's it coming along?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Vinnie, Vinnie don't bug us.  We're 
		working on something that's never been 
		done before, ever.
		    (to Lorraine)
		Lorraine, a dash of cardomon seed.
		   (Lorraine complies)

			VINNIE
		Sounds expensive.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Yes it is.  We're not gonna lie to 
		you, Vinnie, but we pull this off 
		and the Michelin people are gonna 
		need an extra star to rate this joint.

			VINNIE
		Gee, that's great.  Kind of a Meals 
		on Wheels sort of situation, what 
		with the tires and the food and all.

Wally-as-Horton and Jimmie Underwood look at each other.

 			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Not the tire company, Vinnie, this Michelin 
		is a snob outfit that rates swanky restaurants 
		and when we're finished you're goin' right to 
		the top of the list.

			VINNIE
		Wow.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Now if you can't stand the heat get out of 
		the kitchen, Vinnie.

			VINNIE
		Boys, you ever see a man my age do something 
		like this?

He reaches up, grabs the pot rack and does a one-arm chin up.  They 
stare at him.
							CUT TO:
INT. RIALTO THEATER - NIGHT 

The stage is littered with broken crockery.  A leisure-suited Texan, 
socks pulled over his pants to his knees, holds two plates high in 
the air.

General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals, some of whom are 
dozing, stare on from their box, drifting into a surrealistic haze.

Drum roll.  A fat Texan swings in from the wings, hanging from a 
trapeze by his knees.  He makes a grab for the plates, missing by a 
good fifteen feet before swinging out of view on the other side of 
the stage.  We hear a faint BARKING from that direction.  The Texan
on the trapeze zips back into view, twice as fast, zips back again 
even faster, out of sight.  Pause.

Off screen we hear a cacophony of trash cans and other high quality 
off-screen crash noises.  The empty trapeze swings back in and comes 
to a stop above the motionless Texan, holding the plates.

The violin section of the orchestra stands and executes a strange, 
stringed tremolo.
							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S KITCHEN - NIGHT

Wally-as-Horton and each of the other Gangsters, wearing large 
mitten pot-holders, holds the pot that contains each of their 
specialities over the large baking tin.  Lorraine stands by, holding 
a small container of spice.

			JIMMIE UNDERWOOD
		Give the word, Horton; all our specialities 
		are ready.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Boys, I have a feeling what we're doing in 
		this kitchen tonight could change the course 
		of cooking history.

			BLACK GANGSTER
		The aromas themselves are already intermingling 
		in a way that makes me dizzy with excitement.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		On three.  One ... two ... three ...

They all pour their specialties into the baking tin, a bubbling 
cauldron of hot food.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON (CONT'D)
		Go, Lorraine

Lorraine dumps the spice into the mix.  The mix appears to turn 
combustible; a cloud of smoke appears and we hear a sound like soft, 
continuous surf, punctuated by small popping noises.  They wave away 
the smoke and see that the tin is packed with small, attractive 
green pies.
							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTON MANOR HALLWAY - TIDMAN'S POV - NIGHT

Creeping down a hallway, toward Ike and Mike, stationed on either 
side of the door to the Rocking Horse room.  As we approach we hear 
the SOUND of chalk racing over blackboard.

Carrying a healthy rum toddy, his fourth, Tidman, in nightcap, 
flannel nightshirt and slippers nods to Ike and Mike.  Mike cracks 
open the door and we catch a glimpse of the Professor-as-Newt 
scribbling away at a massive blackboard.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		    (to himself, as he writes)
		One ... clean ... pig.

			TIDMAN
		    (tipsy, nearly won over)
		No lack of energy, our Newt.

Mike closes the door. 

			TIDMAN (CONT'D)
		First thing tomorrow move in those extra 
		chalkboards he asked for.  Give him whatever 
		he needs; this is the first constructive thing 
		Newt has ever done, we must do all we can to 
		encourage him.
		    (a sudden terrible thought occurs, 
		     which he makes light of)
		Let's hope he's not designing a bomb.

Tidman toddles away down the corridor, humming snatches of a Cole 
Porter tune.
							CUT TO:
INT. THE McNABB HOUSE - NIGHT

Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice sits in a veddy English Parlor, wearing a 
flannel nightgown, robe and slippers, sadly sipping a cup of tea.
We hear screeching engines, horns and sirens approaching.  Sammy 
"the Stomp"-as-Alice rises, moves to the curtains, parts them and 
looks out.
							INTERCUT:
EXT. THE McNABB HOUSE - NIGHT

Bob McNabb, lurches up near the curb in the Company "A" limo, trying 
to stop, which he's able to do only long enough to make a shaky wave 
towards his house's window before he's off again like a bullet, 
flames shooting from the tailpipe.  Moments later "Sherlock" Watson 
follows in his patrol car and close behind him are a couple of Army 
jeeps. 

Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice dabs at his eyes with a handkerchief and 
slowly closes the curtains.

							DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DESERT - MORNING

At sunrise, Mayor Billy Benson wanders across the desert, holding a 
portable tape player playing "Hail to the Chief"

							CUT TO:
EXT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - MORNING

A beautiful morning.  Gordie bounces by on his pogo stick.

							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY'S BEDROOM - MORNING

Birds chirp.  Sun pours through the window and Gordie's smiling face 
is visible as he bounces by.  Polly lounges luxuriously in bed, 
sipping coffee.  Her smile and the gleam in her eye tell us she's 
woken up a new woman, as she watches Horton-as-Wally curling a 
barbell in his sleeveless t-shirt and boxer shorts.

			POLLY
		    (dreamily)
		Wally, Wally, Wally.

Horton-as-Wally winks at her as he continues to pump.  Polly sighs 
contentedly.
							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE COMPUTER ROOM - DAY

All the Scientists are assembled, watching the computer disc drives 
whirring at supersonic speed, giving off a high-pitched whine.  Then 
one by one, like cherry tumblers clicking into place on a slot 
machine, each computer stops.  On each monitor is the readout:

			3.1416

The Scientists are stunned and amazed.

			SCIENTIST #1
		Gentlemen, all roads lead to Rome.

			MEL
		Three point one four one six.

			BERT
		What the heck is that?

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		That means "pi", which is a magical 
		number having to do with the relationship 
		between the diameter of a circle and its 
		circumference. 

			SCIENTIST #2
		    (calmly raising an alarm)
		Has anyone seen the Professor?

All eyes turn to the one-way glass: Newt-as-the-Professor is no 
longer in the room.  The cover of an air duct had been pried loose.

			MEL
		Oh geez, he's gone into a duct.

			BERT
		    (mobilizing)
		We'll need a blueprint of the whole system.

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		Get Gordon Cole on the phone.

Delbert Corrigan and his lovely wife Simone saunter in.  Everyone 
stops, trying not to look concerned.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		Morning all.

			EVERYONE
		Morning all.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		Simone and I just stopped in for a 
		juice and seltzer and, of course it 
		couldn't have been but we thought we 
		saw the Professor in the cafeteria.

			EVERYONE
		   (slight pause, then, variously)
		The cafeteria!  He's in the cafeteria!

They stampede out of the room at 8 fps, leaving Delbert and Simone 
alone.
			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		Perhaps it was him.
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" CAFETERIA - DAY

The stampede comes to a skidding halt just inside the door.  Newt-
as-the-Professor sits alone at a table across the room, happily
eating a huge slice of blueberry pie.  The Trick Dog sits on the 
table in front of him, on its hind legs, begging.

			SCIENTIST #1
		Pie ... pi.  Gentleman, we're on the 
		right track.

			SCIENTIST #2
		    (in awe)
		It's almost as if he's toying with us.

			BERT
		   (aside to Mel)
		He must've been pretty hungry.

			MEL
		We could've gotten him something.

Newt-as-the-Professor takes the pink rubber pig from his pocket, 
dips his napkin in ice water and begins to clean the pig.

			NEWT-AS-THE-PROFESSOR
		Clean ... pig.  Clean ... pig.

Scientists 1 and 2 look at each other, thinking hard.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY 

Blackboards, filled with mathematical scrawlings, line the room. 
Covered in chalk dust, hair in wild disarray, aflame with the white 
heat of creative genius, the Professor-as-Newt writes away on the 
last board.  Seated in a wheelchair, beside the two record players 
which are each playing one of the records, Grandad Newton watches 
the Professor-as-Newt.  Ike, Mike and Tidman watch from a portable 
bar, where Tidman, for fortify himself against the jarring 
musical confluence, is mixing a second pitcher of martinis.

The Professor-as-Newt stops to listen to a passage in the music, 
then writes another equation.  The records both end.

			THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Again!!

Grandad happily starts both records again.  Tidman sighs and pours 
himself a triple.  The Professor-as-Newt waits for the music to 
catch him up, then writes another equation.  He looks at what he's 
written:

	II x PIG^2 x C = (BOB)

			THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Stop the music!!

Grandad takes the needles off the records.  Silence.  Without his
feet leaving the floor, the Professor-as-Newt bounces his butt down 
onto the floor, then bounces back up into the air, his legs 
stretching like rubber bands.

			THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Eureka!!!

Tidman lifts his martini glass then drains it.

			TIDMAN
		Eureka.

Grandad tugs on Tidman's sleeve, points to the Professor-as-Newt.

			GRANDAD	
		That's not Newt.

			TIDMAN
		Remember he was struck by lightning, 
		just like you were, Grandad.

Grandad nods and makes two lightning gestures with his hand.

			THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Tidman!!

			TIDMAN
		    (weaving slightly)
		Standing by, Master Newt.

			THE-PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		    (frantically writing on a pad)
		I'm going to require a few additional items.

			TIDMAN
		Very good, Sir.
							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR HALLWAY - DAY

Tidman is on the phone, another martini in his hand, reading from 
the Professor-as-Newt's list.

			TIDMAN
		-- no, those are one inch alloyed 
		plates ... in the titanium, yes ...
		fourteen gallons of liquid ... liquid ...
		    (squinting)
		... would that be nitrogen?  Yes, 
		liquid nitrogen.  One thirty-thousand
		cubic foot porcelain-lined steel tank.
		Thirty eight pounds of uranium -- are we 
		building a bomb?  That's very amusing, sir --
		   (a high, rouge panic runs through)
		    him)
		-- oh you do have it?  How convenient
		yes, then we'd also like the strontium 
		15 ... six barrels ... yes, the large ...
		no, I think that's everything -- oh,
		yes, one semi-conductor fero-electric 
		solenoid capacitor kit --
		    (finishes his drink)
		-- and throw in a fifth of Gordon's ...
		this afternoon?  How marvelous.  Bye
		
							CUT TO:
INT HEINZ 57 HEADQUARTERS - DAY

Colonel Mofler and the Generals carrying General Conrad, enter the 
lobby of Heinz 57 and approach the CHINESE WOMAN at the reception 
desk.  Another Caucasian HEINZ EMPLOYEE is standing at a nearby 
filing cabinet.

			CHINESE WOMAN
		Herro, Gentremen, how may I herp you?

			COLONEL CONRAD
		Missy, you can tell the President of 
		this outfit that General Conrad and a 
		few of the Joint Chiefs are here to 
		see him and he better get out here,
		pronto.

			CHINESE WOMAN
		Light away, Sirl.

She jumps up from her chair and does a series of backflips into an 
inner office.  Pause.  A moment later, we hear a whoosing SOUND 
approaching from down a corridor in the background; a CHINESE MAN,
holding a file, flips his way out of sight, down the hall.  Moments 
later, another CHINESE WOMAN sails by, holding onto a wire with her
teeth.

The Officers all look at each other and smoke their cigars.

The Heinz Vice President we saw earlier comes out of the inner 
office, accompanied by a MALE CHINESE ASSISTANT, doing cartwheels.

			HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT
		Officers, what can I do for you?

			GENERAL CONRAD
		How do you do.  We heard you had some 
		trouble up here with your new employees.

			HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT
		Trouble?
		   (chuckles)
		If you call a 45% increase in productivity 
		trouble, we've got plenty of it.  This is 
		one of our new employees and I can safely 
		say he's one of the best assistants I've 
		ever had.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Mind if I ask him a few questions?

			HEINZ VICE PRESIDENT
		Go right ahead.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		    (smiles at the Chinese man)
		What's your name, son?

			CHINESE MAN
		Flank Loberlts.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		    (to Mofler)
		What'd he say?

			COLONEL MOFLER
		He said his name was Frank Roberts.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Well, Frank, where you from?

			CHINESE MAN
		Rubbock ... wellr, neal Rubbock,
		'bout twelvre mires as the clow fries.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		    (eyes narrowing)
		And you're a citizen of these here 
		United States of America?

			CHINESE MAN
		Boln and bled.

General Conrad bites through his cigar.  We hear a slurping sound.
The Chinese Receptionist is back at her desk, eating a big bowl of 
chili.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

A sign reads:

	NICKOLAI TESLA ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

							CUT TO:

EXT. NEWTONVILLE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY

A number of kids are bouncing around on pogo sticks.  Gordie is 
showing a couple of them how to work their pogo sticks, when he's 
suddenly pushed down from behind.

			VICTOR EICHORN
		What are you doing, pogo-wimp?

VICTOR EICHORN, the class bully, stands over Gordie and grabs his 
pogo stick, flanked by two of his little HENCHMEN.  Other kids start 
to gather around, heads bobbing.  Gordie stands back up.

			GORDIE
		I like to pogo.  Pogoing is cool.

			VICTOR EICHORN
		You're stupid.  Where'd you get this 
		stupid thing?

			GORDIE
		My dad got it for me.

			VICTOR EICHORN
		Your Dad's the biggest wimp who ever lived, 
		everyone knows that.

			GORDIE
		That's a lie -- give it back.

			VICTOR EICHORN
		Why don't you make me, pogo-wimp?

			GORDIE
		I'm warning you; I know hand-to-hand.

Victor and the Henchman chortle menacingly.  One of the Henchmen 
kneels behind Gordie, the other Henchman steps forward to push 
Gordie backwards.  Gordie sidesteps the push and tosses one Henchman 
over the other.

			VICTOR EICHORN
		Oh yeah?

Victor steps forward and tries to punch Gordie; Gordie expertly 
flips him onto his back in the sandbox.  The other kids cheer.

			OTHER KIDS
		Yeah!

A thin, nasty teacher, MISS HENKE, appears out of nowhere and grabs 
Gordie by the ear, twisting it viciously.

			MISS HENKE
		It looks like I'm going to have to make
		an example of you, Gordon.

			GORDIE
		He started it --

			MISS HENKE
		Don't start with your crying and whimpering, 
		an ugly trait you inherited from your father.
		    (dragging him towards the school)
		Maybe we can beat it out of you.

							CUT TO:
INT. GORDIE'S CLASSROOM - DAY

We see the whole fifth grade class seated, facing the front.  WHAP!
Gordie is leaning over Miss Henke's desk, while she wields two 
rulers taped together on him.  WHAP!  Gordie stoically bears the 
punishment.  WHAP!  Victor and his Henchman smile sadistically.

			GORDIE
		I told the truth.  This is unfair.

			MISS HENKE
		Life ... is unfair.
		    (WHAP!)

			GORDIE
		I'm going to have to tell my Dad about this.

			MISS HENKE
		Good.  You tell him to come see me.  I 
		can use this on even bigger babies.  And 
		I've got a hankie for when big babies cry.
		    (WHAP!)
							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY

A fleet of Army trucks and SOLDIERS surround the barn.  The wheels 
on the big skate are revolving so fast that real sparks are shooting 
out with the neon ones.  A tremendous roar rises out of the barn.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTONVILLE ROLLER RINK - DAY

General Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals watch the solid mass 
of skaters moving around the rink.  Big Tom and Woody are in a 
quietly ecstatic state of euphoria.  The noise from the skate on the 
rink is nearly deafening.  General Conrad notices that small sprays 
of sawdust are being thrown up from the hardwood rink.

							CUT TO:
INT. LUCKY BUCK'S SALES OFFICE - DAY

Horton-as-Wally is on the phone, the slow burn turned up to boil. 

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		What do you mean tomorrow, Gordie?
		You tell her I'll be there in ten 
		minutes ... you bet I believe you,
		son, you did the right thing.

He hangs up, turns to Lucky Buck, busy with a bunch of CUSTOMERS.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		Is there a fruit stand nearby?

			LUCKY BUCK
		    (still Munchkined)
		Yes, Sir, one block, left face, 
		forward march about four doors down.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		I'll be back.

							CUT TO:
EXT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - DAY

A car zooms up, parks next to the school and a seething Horton-as-
Wally gets out and strides towards the classroom building, carrying 
a small paper bag.
							CUT TO;
INT. GORDIE'S CLASSROOM - DAY

Gordie is standing in the corner, facing the wall.  Horton-as-Wally
kicks the door open; Miss Henke and the class are stunned.  Horton-
as-Wally goes right for Miss Henke.

			MISS HENKE
		What is the meaning of this?  You
		can't just barge in here like --

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		    (a finger in her face)
		That's enough.

Horton-as-Wally picks her up with one hand and hangs her on a hook 
over the blackboard.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		Gordie, you can take your seat with
		the rest of the kids.

Gordie does.  Horton-as-Wally takes out a switchblade and pops it
open.  Miss Henke gasps.  The class is petrified.  Horton-as-Wally 
picks up the two taped rulers from the desk and breaks them in half.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		    (to the kids)
		There'll be no more beatings in this
		classroom.

Horton-as-Wally takes a big grapefruit out of the paper bag, sets it 
on the desk and cuts it in half with the switchblade.  he picks up 
half the grapefruit and moves to Miss Henke.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		My boy doesn't lie, sourpuss.

He grinds the grapefruit into her face, using it as a juicer, then 
tosses the rind across the room into a trashcan like Magic Johnson.
Horton-as-Wally turns to face the class.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY (CONT'D)
		At this moment, I consider myself the 
		luckiest man on earth.  I have a wonderful
		son, who doesn't lie, and he's made me 
		very proud.

Gordie runs up and embraces Horton-as-Wally with all his might.

			VICTOR EICHORN
		    (snidely)
		I think I'm gonna puke.

Horton-as-Wally turns to Victor.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Victor, come up here.

Frightened, Victor stands and moves to them.

			VICTOR EICHORN
		You're not the boss a' me.

			HORTON-AS-WALLY
		Calm down, son.
		   (a hand on Victor's shoulder)
		Victor, I know what a hard life you've 
		lived, what with your folks divorce and 
		your father's alcoholism.  It wasn't so 
		long ago that I didn't know the meaning 
		of a family either.  Victor, I know about 
		the loneliness, lying awake at night, feeling 
		like no one in the world cares for you.  I 
		know what this can do to you; the rage and 
		frustration.  And I just want you to understand 
		you've got a friend here and his name is Wally 
		Newton.  You're welcome at our house, Gordie's 
		and mine and Polly's, anytime, day or night, for 
		good food or hand-to-hand lessons and for just 
		going out to the range with an Uzi or a thirty-
		ought-six.
		    (Victor's dissolved in helpless tears)
		Now you characters shake hands and call 
		it square.

Gordie extends a hand.  Victor shakes it.  The class cheers and 
applauds.  Victor's Henchmen are fighting back their own tears.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY

A squadron of trucks are backed up to the front of the Manor and a 
platoon of jump-suited DELIVERY MEN are dollying tons of supplies 
past a worried House Staff through the double doors.  Stenciled on 
the sides of the trucks are the various company names:  LIGHTNING 
FAST ELECTRIC, LIGHTNING FAST STEEL, CO., LIGHTNING FAST PLUMBING, 
LIGHTNING FAST HARDWARE, LIGHTNING FAST NUCLEAR SUPPLIES.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY

The Professor-as-Newt is working frantically on a scaffolding that 
surrounds the superstructure of a huge, black, steel Trojan pig (as 
in Trojan horse).  A steady steam of Delivery men dolly in and 
deposit their loads under the supervision of a tipsy Tidman.  Ike 
and Mike are lifting heavy objects and other members of the House 
Staff are joyfully engaged in various support activities.  Grandpa 
sits in his wheelchair near the scaffolding, beaming up at the 
Professor-as-Newt.

			GRANDPA
		   (happily, to anyone who'll listen)
		That's not Newt.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Bring up my uranium rods!

Ike and Mike do just that.  Tidman turns to RAYBURN, the ancient 
Manor Staff Accountant, who's inventorying the incoming supplies.

			TIDMAN
		Make a note, Rayburn; triple this year's 
		donation to Soothing Breezes Sanitarium.

			RAYBURN
		The lad has improved, taken, many,
		so much more, steps, that I, hard to 
		find the, but then, words are --

			TIDMAN
		Thank you, Rayburn.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Am I wrong?  I feel as though I've 
		asked for the plutonium three or 
		four times already --

			TIDMAN
		Just coming off the truck, Master Newt.

Chef Pierre wheels in a large silver serving trolley.

			CHEF PIERRE
		My treat: jiffy baked Alaska for 
		everyone!
							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

The computers are whirring at top speed.  Three sensing devices are
pointed through the mirror at Newt-as-the-Professor, who's moving 
chalk on the blackboard in a rhythmic pattern.  The Scientists watch
gathered around, Mel, Bert and Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice are in the
background.

			SCIENTIST #1
		We're very close now.

Scientist #2 picks up a red phone. 

			SCIENTIST #2
		Alert the Corrigans; we're close

							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE HALLWAY - DAY

Delbert and Simone Corrigan hurry down the hallway towards the 
observation room.

							CUT TO:
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

As the Corrigans enter, the computers start to click in, one after 
another, the slot machine effect.

			SCIENTIST #1
		Ladies and gentlemen, the Eagle has 
		landed.

The room is hushed; more clicks from the computer.

			SCIENTIST #1 (CONT'D)
		Coming up now ... coming up now ...

An IMAGE comes into focus on the big monitor; a large pig and below 
it a list of ingredients.  Stunned silence.

			BERT
		   (aside, to Mel)
		Kind'a looks like a pig)
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY B COMPUTER ROOM - DAY

The Company "B" group, including Mr. Biggs and Mr. Posthole, are 
staring at the same image on a similar monitor.

			MR. BIGGS
		   (somewhat confused)
		Good work, Posthole.  But what in 
		the Sam Hill is it?

			MR POSTHOLE
		Sir, unless I miss my guess there's enough 
		arbitrary nucleic permutations on the 
		cobalt theme inside that porker to turn 
		this world into a corn flake.

			MR. BIGGS
		This is worth a fortune but Lord it's 
		dangerous.  Thank God we got it before 
		those animal crackers at Company "A".  Start 
		building immediately.  Now it's more 
		important than ever we pop the weasel 
		and drain the tub of Professor Hugo
		Zinzermacher.
		    (looking at the monitor again)
		Damned if that thing doesn't look like a pig.

							CUT TO:
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

Temporary Army Command Headquarters, set up just outside the 
Newtonville city limits, near the Newtonville sign.  Colonel Mofler 
holds a field phone to General Conrad's ear, as the Generals stand 
by.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		No, no, no, nothing's "up" ... the boys 
		and I found a great little trout stream 
		out here in Kansas... we're frying up some 
		rainbows right now, couple a' beers, we'll 
		be back inside the Beltway before you know 
		it ... yes I was in Bethesda -- no, nothing 
		serious, slipped on a rock going for a carp 
		in the Potomac -- no, I'm fine now, never 
		better ... thanks very much for calling, you 
		have a nice day, too, Mr. President.

Mofler hangs up the phone.

			GENERAL CONRAD (CONT'D)
		He was supposed to be out clearing 
		brush today, Mofler, what the hell
		kind of intelligence are you giving 
		me?  We got the feed off that uplink 
		back to Section Six?

			COLONEL MOFLER
		    (reading from a file)
		"Conclusions: the emission had caused 
		unusual behavior and activity --"

			GENERAL CONRAD
		I could'a told you that, Mofler.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		    (nods, keeps reading)
		"-- which does not at this time appear
		to be life-threatening, but considering 
		the nature of the deep space random
		collection samplings, an accurate 
		projection of long-range consequences 
		is not possible at this time."

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Recommendations for response?

			COLONEL MOFLER
		Three options, Sir ...
		   (reads again)
		"Option #1: do nothing, return to 
		Washington, deny everything.  Option #2:
		reduce Newtonville to a smoking pile 
		of ash, litter the area with sheep
		with their eyes sewn shut and blame 
		it on UFO's."
		   (closes the file)

			GENERAL CONRAD
		I'm leaning towards two.  What's number 
		three?

			COLONEL MOFLER 
		Option #3 is a second emission.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		So.  It's time to fish or cut bait.
		    (pause, jaw set)
		Alright, boys ... we'll pee again.

							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY

The "pig" is completely finished.  Tidman and the Staff stand back 
and gaze at it in wondrous admiration.  High up on the scaffolding, 
Ike and Mike help the Professor-as-Newt pour a smoking liquid into a 
funnel on the end of the coiled copper "tail".  Down on the floor, 
Grandad wheels himself away from the staff, towards a small red 
button on the "pig's" underbelly.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Don't pour too quickly.  This stuff 
		will come back up at you and burn
		your hands off at the elbow ...
		    (as they finish)
		Very nicely done.  Now we can climb 
		down and take some liquid refreshment.

Ike and Mike start to climb down.  The Professor-as-Newt spots 
Grandad down below, about to touch the small red button.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (CONT'D)
		Grandad, you mustn't touch that, no, no.

Grandad smiles and points at the red button.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT (CONT'D)
		Move away, move away now -- Tidman, 
		if Grandad were to touch that button, 
		that would be very bad.

The Professor-as-Newt comes down the scaffolding, as Tidman and the 
whole Staff cautiously move towards Grandad, who holds his finger 
next to the button.

			TIDMAN AND STAFF
		     (variously)
		Grandad, don't touch the button ...
		that's a no-no ... bad to push the 
		button, Grandad, mustn't push the button ...

Grandad pushes the button.  We hear a click, then a roar like a 
blast furnace inside the "pig".  A panel slides open and a readout 
appears, counting down from:  10:00:00.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		I'm so sorry he did that.  That's very bad.

			TIDMAN
		Surely you can turn whatever it is 
		off, Master Newt.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		    (flicks Tidman on shoulder)
		Oh no, the plutonium is lit now.  Once 
		you light the plutonium, pffft.

			TIDMAN
		    (quietly and completely insane)
		Ah.  So it is a bomb ...

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		A real dandy.

			TIDMAN
		And how big is your bomb, Master Newt?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Oh, very big.

Some members of the House Staff faint dead away.

			TIDMAN
		I see.  And you're absolutely certain there's 
		nothing we can do, really?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		I wish.

			TIDMAN
		You wouldn't kid us about something
		like this, would you, Master Newt?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		    (shaking his head)
		Once you light that plutonium ...

			TIDMAN
		How much time have we got?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Just about enough for one more good 
		cup of coffee.

Tidman walks to the desert trolley and pours a cup.

			TIDMAN
		    (stiff upper lip)
		Cream and sugar, Master Newt?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		Please, thank you.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY

Just outside city limits, Soldiers finish building a hastily erected 
sandbag bunker.  More soldiers complete chalking a white line across
the highway with a baseball boundary-line chalking machine.  Colonel
Mofler holds a field phone for General Conrad:

			GENERAL CONRAD
		I said pee immediately!  -- I don't 
		give a damn about procedures, let's 
		hose this deck down quick!

							CUT TO:
INT. PENTAGON SECTION SIX - DAY

Some TECHNICIANS are looking at the FISH book, open to the TUNA 
section, throwing switches and turning dials according to the 
printed instructions.  Lights, bells and whistles are activated.

							CUT TO:
EXT. SPACE

The panel on the side of the satellite slides open the nozzle 
slides out.  The other panel opens, a countdown begins:  00:05:00.
As the countdown proceeds we notice a large yellow mass looming up 
behind the satellite.  We notice a number of "CHEESE IS MADE FROM 
MILK" wrappers melded into the mass.  It silently sails past the 
satellite.

							CUT TO:
EXT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY

A long line of hungry, head-bobbing Newtonvillonians are receiving 
little green pies to go, dispensed by Lorraine and the Gangsters, 
all in Chef's hats, from Vinnie's new "take-out window".  Wally-as-
Horton and Jimmie Underwood are putting up a sign above the window 
that reads:

	VINNIE'S GREEN-PIE TAKE-OUT
		100% CHEESE-FREE
	TRY OUT RED WINE AND GREEN PIE SPECIAL

Vinnie moves up and down the line, passing out free cigars.

							CUT TO:
EXT. INDUSTRIAL PARK - DAY

The plaza between Company "A" and Company "B" is packed with the 
delivery trucks we saw earlier outside Newton Manor, with the 
Delivery Men dollying tons of stuff into both buildings.

The Company "A" limo with Bob McNabb at the wheel skids into view, 
weaving in and out between the trucks, sending Delivery Men and 
their loads skyward.  In hot pursuit are "Sherlock" Watson in the 
patrol car and the army jeeps.
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "B" - DAY

Mr. Biggs looks down at the trucks through a pair of binoculars, 
follows a dolly into Company "A", looks up through the binoculars 
and sees Delbert Corrigan looking at him through a pair of 
binoculars from Company "A" window.  They look at each other 
through the binoculars for a while.
							CUT TO:
INT. CANAPE OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

Under the supervision of Bert, Mel and Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice, 
Newt-as-the-Professor is slowly and carefully packing his objects 
back in his sock.  The Trick Dog jumps back and forth over a chair.

			BERT
		That flight back to Zurich's leaving in 
		less than an hour, Professor.

			MEL
		How long can it take to pack a sock?

			SAMMY "THE STOMP"-AS-ALICE
		I can tell you how long it takes to pack
		a suitcase.
		    (dabs eyes with handkerchief)
		Can either of you recommend a good 
		marriage counselor?

			BERT
		   (pause, embarrassed)
		I don't seem to remember the Professor 
		having a dog on the plane, do you Mel?

							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" WORK AREA - DAY

Workers in blue Company "A" jumpsuits scramble like beavers, quickly 
assembling a large blue "pig" bomb.
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "B" WORK AREA - DAY

Workers in yellow Company "B" jumpsuits scamper around the large 
yellow "pig" bomb they're quickly putting together.

							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY

The entire House Staff lies unconscious on the floor.  Ike and Mike, 
feeling woozy, sit with cold compresses on their heads.  Tidman is 
downing his third pitcher of martinis, straight from the pitcher.

Grandad listens to his record player, wheeling himself around in a 
circle.  The Professor-as-Newt sits watching the countdown, sipping 
his coffee.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		   (to Tidman, gallows humor)
		Did you hear the one about the farmer/
		scientist?

			TIDMAN
		Is it a long joke?

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		No, no, we have time.  Anyway, this farmer/
		scientist.  He was outstanding in his unified 
		field.

			TIDMAN
		I see.

Tidman finishes the pitcher.  We see the countdown is down to:
00:06:10.
							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

The countdown on the satellite continues, not t-minus 00:01:02 and 
counting.  A few "Cheese is Made From Milk" wrappers float by.  In 
the distance, the cheese asteroid is tumbling around in space.

							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY

A picture of the perfect, happy family.  Horton-as-Wally and Gordie 
beam, as Polly serves them each a plate of small delicious green 
pies.  A "Vinnie's Take-Out" bag is on the table.  Horton-as-Wally
sneaks a piece of green pie under the table to Gucci-Gucci the 
Pekingese, who does a backflip of appreciation.

							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY

As the Gangsters turn out batch after batch of green pies in the 
kitchen, Wally-as-Horton and Lorraine circulate around the jam-
packed dining room, where satisfied, head-bobbing Customers are 
gorging themselves on green pies and red wine.

			CUSTOMERS
		    (variously)
		Best pie I ever ate ... couldn't
		believe something that looked so simple 
		could taste so good ... the aroma, the 
		flavor, I'm in seventh heaven ... I'll 
		never eat at home again ...

Mr. Biggs and his two Bodyguards stride in and corner Wally-as-
Horton.
			MR. BIGGS
		When I pay for a killing, I expect 
		somebody to die and Thursby, your 
		number just came up.

The Bodyguards pull out pistols and point them at Wally-as-Horton. 
Wally-as-Horton snakes out his hands and grabs both Bodyguards by 
the adam's apple.
			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Put those away before somebody gets hurt!

			BODYGUARDS
		    (Munchkined)
		Yes, Sir, Mr. Thursby.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Sit down and have some green pie, which 
		we recommend with the house red for a 
		particularly pleasing taste sensation.

The Bodyguards immediately sit and Lorraine sets pies and wine in 
front of them.

			MR. BIGGS
		Say, who do you think --

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		    (puts a finger in Biggs' face)
		That's enough.
		    (grabs Biggs by the throat)
		There'll be no more killing in this town.

			MR. BIGGS
		I agree completely.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		Sit down, behave yourself and have 
		some delicious green pie and red wine.

			MR. BIGGS
		I'm looking forward to it.

Vinnie enters, holding up a handful of paperwork.

			VINNIE
		I've got the contracts prepared.
		I've decided to make you all full 
		partners.  I'll have the fellas sign 
		first, then you, okay Horton?

			WALLY-AS-HORTON
		That's jake with me.  Partner.

Vinnie enters the kitchen.  Lorraine embraces Wally-as-Horton.

			LORRAINE
		Horton, I always knew you were a 
		strong man.  I always knew you had 
		courage.  But this new tenderness ...
		it's  ... it's ...
		    (she cries sweetly)
		I just love you ever so much.

They kiss.
							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY 

Tidman is swaying at attention, singing "Nearer My God to Thee".  The 
Professor-as-Newt is counting down with the bomb.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT
		There it is, less than a minute now.
		Fifty-nine, fifty-eight -- isn't it 
		interesting how time passes so much 
		more slowly at moments like this --
		   (a hint of wistful regret)
		No time to solve that one.
							CUT TO:
INT. ROLLER RINK - DAY 

The skaters have skated away during the night, buzzsaving down 
through the floor and an additional five feet of bedrock.  Only a 
mass of hands is visible through the thick dust, circling, circling.
The roar is louder than Niagara Falls.

Woody and Big Tom are dumbfounded, nearly catatonic, glued to their
chairs, eyes bugging out of their heads as they stare at the mad 
spectacle.  Randy, standing nearby, completely oblivious to what's 
transpired, still obsessed by the one detail which plagues him.

			RANDY
		I still smell gas, Big Tom.

Woody's chair breaks, splinters out from under him and falls away. 
He remains frozen in a sitting position.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY

General-Conrad, Colonel Mofler and the Generals are ensconced in the 
concrete bunker, all wearing strange goggles.  A SOLDIER passes out 
think copies of the Washington, D.C. phonebook.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		     (watching his watch)
		T-minus fifteen ... fourteen ...
		     (etc.)

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Hitch up those phonebooks, boys, 
		no telling what this sucker'll do
		to your procreative recreational 
		system.

The Soldiers all hold the phonebooks over their crotches.  General 
Conrad already has one taped to the crotch of his cast.

			GENERAL CONRAD (CONT'D)
		Check that tape for me, Mofler.

							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE 

We see the satellite countdown:  00:00:03 / 00:00:02 / 00:00:01
and as it hits 00:00:00 the beeping crescendos and goes 
SILENT for one brief moment.  Then, the satellite produces 
an emission.; we see a small burst of light shoot from the 
nozzle and hear a sound like a sharp slam on a ping-pong 
ball.
							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

HIGH ANGLE, looking down on the United States.  The emission, a 
short piece of light, enters the earth's atmosphere and heads down 
towards Kansas.
							CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL SHOT - DAY

A mile above Newtonville, looking straight down at the center of 
town.  The emission descends down, strikes the center of town and a 
giant "X" of light forms over the entire city.  From the center of 
the "X", a line of light spirals out like a watch spring.  When it 
reaches the edge of town the entire "X" rotates 90 degrees and 
stops.
							CUT TO:
INT. VINNIE'S LIGHTNING ROD - DAY

In the middle of his passionate kiss with Lorraine, Wally-as-Horton 
disappears and it replaced by the Professor-as-Newt-now-Horton.  He 
stops kissing Lorraine.  We notice that the green pies have turned 
red and the red wine has turned green.  Alice-as-Sammy "the Stomp" 
is now singing an operatic aria.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT-NOW-HORTON
		Let me clarify something; am I in Heaven?
		Are you an Angel?

			LORRAINE
		See what I mean?  These days you say the 
		sweetest things.  And who ever knew you 
		were such a wonderful cook.  I hope this 
		doesn't frighten you, but I suddenly find 
		myself filled with maternal longings.

			THE PROFESSOR-AS-NEWT-NOW-HORTON
		Frighten me?  It's the best news I've had 
		since the discovery of sub-atmoic particles.

She looks at him with the slightest touch of curiosity.

							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "A" CANAPE ROOM - DAY 

Carrying his sock, Newt-as-the-Professor moves down a line, shaking 
the hands of Company "A" employees as he departs.  The Trick Dog, 
Bert, Mel and Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice trail behind him.

Just as he reaches Delbert Corrigan and Simone, Newt-as-the-
Professor disappears and Wally-as-Horton-now-the-Professor appears 
in his place.  The Trick Dog is the only one who notices the switch;
he growls and bites Wally-as-Horton-now-the Professor's ankle.
Wally-as-Horton-now-the Professor points a finger and glares 
bumblebee eyes at him; the Trick Dog leaps up into his arms and 
licks his face.  Delbert Corrigan extends a hand.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		Professor, it's been an absolute
		delight --

			WALLY-AS-HORTON-NOW-THE-PROFESSOR
		    (with a finger)
		First of all, that was absolutely the worst
		cafeteria food I've ever tasted in my life.

Delbert Corrigan shrinks back, shocked.  Simone aggressively 
intercedes.

			SIMONE
		You got a lotta nerve, you fruitcake --

			WALLY-AS-HORTON-NOW-THE-PROFESSOR
		    (the finger)
		That's enough.

She slams on the brakes.

			WALLY-AS-HORTON-NOW-THE-PROFESSOR
		You two ought to spend a little more time 
		thinking about tenderness.  And cooking.
		
Wally-as-Horton-now-the Professor moves along the line, leaving the 
bewildered Corrigans behind.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		Perhaps we should try a little tenderness.

Sammy "the Stomp"-as-Alice, as if in a trance, sings "Try a Little 
Tenderness", ala Otis Redding.

			SIMONE
		Delbert, have you ever seen a woman my 
		age do something like this?

She leaps up, grabs the pipe of the sprinkler system and does a one-
arm chin-up.
			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		Definitely a little tenderness.

							CUT TO:
INT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY

Horton-as-Wally sits at the dinner table with Polly and Gordie.
Horton-as-Wally disappears and Newt-as-the Professor-now-Wally 
appears in his place.  They look at each other.  The pies are now red 
and the wine is green.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR-NOW-WALLY
		     (struggling to form the words)
		I'm ... so ... happy.

			POLLY
		So am I, darling.

			GORDIE
		Me, too, Dad.  I feel so good about 
		our family.

			NEWT-AS-THE PROFESSOR-NOW-WALLY
		Can I pee?

			POLLY
		Of course you can, Wally.

Newt-as-the Professor-now-Wally rises and starts towards the 
bathroom.  Gucci-Gucci leaps into his arms and licks his fact.

							CUT TO:

INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY

The Professor-as-Newt vanishes from his place beside the "pig" bomb, 
where the countdown is at: 00:00:16.  Horton-as-Wally-now-the 
Professor appears in his place, near a completely sloshed Tidman.

The "pig" is emitting an irritation whining noise that rises in 
pitch and intensity.
			TIDMAN
		Perhaps it shall be a finer place
		we go to, leaving behind this veil 
		of tears --
		    (countdown at:00:00:09)
		-- where our fortunes rise and fall on
		the seas of destiny like a tiny 
		ship, where an action once set in 
		motion cannot be reversed -- Mother, 
		I'll be home soon, in fact ...
		    (squints at the countdown)
		... in about another three seconds --

			HORTON-AS-WALLY-NOW-THE PROFESSOR
		Hold your horses, tea bag, we're not 
		going anywhere.

Horton-as-Wally-now-the Professor whips out his .357 Magnum and 
drills the "Pig" right between the "eyes".  The "pig's" jaw drops 
open and a loud "oink" escapes.  The irritating noise cuts out and 
the countdown stops; the last second stopping halfway to zero.

Tidman looks over at him, looks at the "pig", looks back at Horton-
as-Wally-now-the Professor.

			TIDMAN
		Martini, Master Newt?

			HORTON-AS-WALLY-NOW-THE PROFESSOR
		Shaken not stirred.
							CUT TO:
INT. ROLLER RINK - DAY

The skaters heads are visible, going around and around the rink.  The 
roar is louder than two Niagara Falls.

Woody and Big Tom remain staring at it, catatonically.

							CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL ANGLE - DAY

The glowing "X" over Newtonville vanishes.
							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY

The Army officers remove their goggles and peak out over the top
of the bunker.  The smoke and dust clear, revealing the seventy
Texans and Chinese Acrobats seated on folding chairs, in front of a 
raised dais, where Mayor Billy Benson addressed them over a p.a.
system, with "Hail to the Chief" playing in background.

			MAYOR BILLY BENSON
		    (oratorical fervor)
		One office ... one man/
		One world ... one people.

Three army jeeps shoot by in reverse, followed by "Sherlock" Watson 
in the patrol car and the Company "A" limo, also in reverse.  A COW 
in front of the bunker turns to the Generals and lets out a melodic
yodel.

General Conrad turns to Colonel Mofler.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Pee again.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		    (into a field phone)
		Pee again!

Through the smoke we see the tap dancing Heinz 57 bottle, doing 
complicated time steps down the highway.
							CUT TO:
EXT. OUTER SPACE

The nozzle on the satellite lets go with another emission.  The bolt
of light zips past the floating cheese meteor and heads towards 
Earth.
							CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL SHOT - DAY 

A mile above Newtonville, looking straight down at the center of 

From the center of the "X", a line of light spirals out like a watch 
spring.  When it reaches the edge of town the entire "X" rotates 
another 90 degrees, stops and hovers over the town.

							CUT TO:
EXT. ROLLERRINK - DAY

The wheels on the sign lazily revolve.  The roar from inside is 
gone.  Birds sing.

INT. ROLLERRINK - DAY

The skaters are gone.  The crater where the rink once stood remains.
The silence is shattering.  Freed from their trance, Big Tom and 
Woody blink at the emptiness.  Big Tom shakes his head, emerging
from a deep confusion.

			WOODY
		    (not without bitterness)
		Ridin' high in April ... shot down
		in May.

Over to the side, with a look of sudden alarm, is Randy.

			RANDY
		Big Tom, I still smell --

Randy spontaneously combusts, leaving behind a small pile of ash and 
a pear-shaped smudge on the wall.
							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIGHTS - DAY 

The Generals climb out of the bunker and the dust clears, revealing 
empty chairs in front of the dais.  They move up to close to the cow 
standing in front of the bunker.  It moos.

			COLONEL MOFLER
		I think it worked.

			GENERAL CONRAD
		Just goes to prove an old saying of mine:
		two wrongs don't make a right.  But three 
		do.
							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY

Sunlight, birds, shady trees.  Peace.  In the far distance, we see a 
foursome of GOLFERS on the green of the fifteenth hole of the 
Newtonville Country Club.
							CUT TO:
INT. NEWTON MANOR ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY 

Horton-as-Wally-now-the Professor disappears and Newt, just Newt, 
takes his place, holding his sock, a piece of green pie and a fork. 
The room is empty, except for Tidman, slouched in a chair, and 
Grandad, who turns around in his wheelchair, sees Newt and stops 
short.  They look at each other and smile.
							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY

A bolt of lightning shoots down out of the clear blue sky.

							CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY 

The lightning bolt zaps through an open window and strikes Newt in

			NEWT
		    (blinking his eyes, articulate)
		Grandfather, the stars and funny 
		animals are gone.  Grandfather, I have 
		so many things to tell you.

Tidman tries to clear his head, can't believe what he's seeing.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTON MANOR - DAY

One of the GOLFERS, now on the sixteenth tee, hits his drive, a 
towering smash that we follow up into the air, slicing severely to 
the right and heading directly for a window on the second floor of 
the manor.
							CUT TO:
INT. ROCKING HORSE ROOM - DAY

			NEWT  (CONT'D)
		I want to live here with you, with you
		and Tidman, Chef Pierre and the rest of 
		the staff, forever and ever and --

The golf ball smashes through the window and hits Newt in the head.
His eyes get that starry/funny animal look again.  He smiles.

			NEWT (CONT'D)
		Rock-'em-sock-'em.

Grandad turns to Tidman, points at Newt and smiles.

			GRANDAD
		That's Newt.

							CUT TO:
EXT. NEWTONVILLE CITY LIMITS - DAY

The Generals and Colonel Mofler, gathered off to the side, shake 
their heads, toe the ground and mutter.

General Conrad sits enveloped in the top of the giant cheese meteor, 
sending a slow burn towards the heavens.

							CUT TO:
EXT. INDUSTRIAL PLAZA - DAY

The buildings of Company "A" and Company "B" have merged into one 
giant green building, with the letters "AB" on top.

Wally-as-Horton-now-the Professor is at the curb with Bert, Mel, 
Alice (just Alice) and the Professor's bag.  Wally-as-Horton-now-the 
Professor disappears and the Professor, just the Professor appears 
in his place.

The limo pulls up, looking brand new, with the insignia "AB" on the 
door.  The three Chefs and the Tap Dancing Heinz 57 Bottle climb 
out.  Bob McNabb, behind the wheel, waves to Alice.

			BOB McNABB
		Hello, ducks.

			ALICE
		Hello, love.
							CUT TO:
EXT. AERIAL SHOT - DAY

Looking down on Newtonville, the large, glowing "X" disappears.

							CUT TO:
EXT. COMPANY "AB"  - DAY

The Professor is just about to get into the limo when we hear a 
raucous alarm blaring from the green building and the Scientists
we've seen, from both Companies, come running out, all wearing green 
jumpsuits.
			SCIENTISTS
		    (variously)
		Stop him!  ...  Professor!  We have an 
		emergency! ...  Don't let him get in 
		that car! ...  Bert and Mel, bring him 
		back inside!

			ALICE
		For goodness sake, he'll miss his plane.

		 	SCIENTIST #1
		There aren't going to be any planes if 
		he doesn't get inside fast!

			BERT
		Professor, will you come with us please?

			MEL
		It's an inconvenience, but it does sound 
		urgent.

They pick him up by the elbows and hustle him back towards the green 
building.  They're followed by the three Chefs and the Tap Dancing
Heinz 57 bottle.

			THE PROFESSOR
		    (sets off a thought)
		Here's yet another example; time was going by 
		so slowly and suddenly the universe seems to 
		curve back in on itself.
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "AB" - DAY

The Professor is carried into a large room by Bert and Mel, swept 
along with the Scientists and the rest of the group that was 
outside.  A nervous CROWD is gathered around a huge, green double-
headed "pig" bomb.  The countdown panel has slid open and the 
countdown is counting down from: 00:00:27.  Beside it is a large 
chalkboard with a formula written on it:

	II x PIG^2 x C = (BOB)
 
The Scientists crowd around the Professor.

			SCIENTISTS
		    (variously, accusing each other)
		He pushed the button ... no, you pushed 
		the button ... it was an accident ...
		I didn't mean to do it ...

			SCIENTIST #1
		This could be a catastrophe of unprecedented
		proportion!

			THE PROFESSOR
		     (sniffs the air, them)
		No, no, you got it all wrong.

The countdown continues.  The Professor sidles over to the 
blackboard and points to the formula.

			THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		Let me explain something
		     (pointing to the formula)
		"Pi" times "permutations interacting 
		geometrically", and it goes without 
		saying arbitrarily --

The countdown is at:  00:00:12.  People are praying, weeping, 
ducking and covering.

			THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		-- times the speed of light, which is 
		very fast I can tell you, equals --
		    (points to the first "b)
		-- bomb.

A huge groan from the crowd.

			THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		-- however, let me direct your attention
		to this little "2", do you see?  This means 
		"Pig" squared and we can clearly discern, 
		or Lucerne where my Grandmother's from, that 
		this pig had two heads.  Which brings us back 
		to "bob" -- b - o - b -- bomb or barbecue.

The crowd is totally bewildered.  The countdown reaches zero.  Both
mouths of the "pig" heads drop open, we hear two loud "oinks".  A
panel in the side of the "pig" slides open and a large mass of 
sticky, brownish-red substance glops out onto the floor.  The crowd
lets out a collective sigh of relief.  An incredibly delicious aroma 
fills the air.
			THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		So unless I miss my guess we are looking 
		at and smelling the best barbecue sauce 
		in the whole darned world.

The three Chefs are the first to step forward, filled with 
trepidation and envy.  They cautiously dip their fingers in the 
sauce and taste it.  The incredibly delicious sauce completely 
overwhelms them.
			CHEF #1
		    (almost in tears)
		Twenty years we at Heinz have been 
		searching for a sauce like this.

			CHEF#2	
		Manna from heaven.

The crowd presses forward to taste the sauce, which quickly 
degenerates into a spectacle not unlike a frenzied pack of piranha 
feeding on a bloated zebra.
							CUT TO:

INT. CINDERBLOCK ROOM

In a nearby fallout shelter, Mr. Biggs and Delbert Corrigan, wearing 
big goggles and blast suits, watch the above proceedings on video
monitors.
			MR. BIGGS
		    (speaks over an intercom)
		We're on the phone to Heinz now'
		we'll deal, we'll deal -- don't 
		eat all that sauce, don't let them 
		eat all that sauce --

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		    (overlapping, on a phone)
		Mr. Heinz, Mr. Heinz, we have the 
		ultimate sauce -- no, not just steak 
		sauce, it'll go on everything -- 
		    (covers the phone, over intercom)
		Don't eat all that sauce!!
							CUT TO:
INT. LARGE ROOM - DAY

The crowd continues to feed.  The Professor stands alone, with Mel, 
Bert and Alice.  The Professor, tracking down another thought, 
whistles, grabs a handful of empty air and snaps his fingers.

			THE PROFESSOR
		Time.

			BERT
		Yes, it is time.  Professor --

			MEL
		If we hurry you can still catch your plane.

They pick him up by the elbows and hustle him out.  Alice follows

							CUT TO:
INT. COMPANY "AB"  - DAY

Bert and Mel carry the Professor towards the limo.

			THE PROFESSOR
		     (snapping his fingers, to himself)
		Time
		     (he whistles)
		Time.

			MR. BIGG'S VOICE
		Just one minute!

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		I say, hold on!

They stop.  Mr. Biggs, Delbert Corrigan and Simone rush out of the 
building to them.  Biggs and Corrigan wear green suits, Simone wears 
some green, high-fashion weirdness.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		Professor, Company "AB" is prepared
		to offer you a seven figure contract --

			MR. BIGGS 
		Stock options, access to the corporate jet --

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		First rate health and dental coverage --

			MR. BIGGS
		And your own key to the executive washroom.

			DELBERT CORRIGAN
		For life.

			THE PROFESSOR
		    (looks them up and down)
		How do you do.
		    (he shakes their hands)
		My name is Professor Hugo Zinzermacher.
		Hugo your way, und I'll go mine.

The Professor gets into the limo, turns back to Mel and Bert and 
gives them a big smile.

			THE PROFESSOR (CONT'D)
		    (sings)
		It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas/
		Everywhere I go ...
		    (and so on)

The limo drives off
							CUT TO:
INT. COMPUTER PANEL - DAY 

Extreme close up on the saliva bubble, caught between the copper 
wires.  It pops.  Music in. Bing Crosby's version of "It's Beginning 
to Look a Lot Like Christmas"
							CUT TO:
EXT. HEINZ 57 PLANT - DAY

Music continues over.  The Texans and the Chinese acrobats, working 
together, make the last adjustments on the sign above the plant, as 
they install a huge "8" next to the "5" and slowly lower the "7" to 
the ground.  The sign now reads:

			HEINZ 58
							CUT TO:
EXT. WALLY NEWTON'S HOUSE - DAY

Music continues over.  A moving van is parked in the driveway of the 
house next door.   MOVERS are carrying boxes and furniture into the 
house.  KIDS on pogo sticks bounce up and down the street.

Wally, a visibly pregnant Polly and Gordie come out of their house 
with a sack of green pie take-out from Vinnie's and move to the 
fence between the houses, where they shake hands with their new 
neighbors, Horton Thursby and a visibly pregnant Lorraine.  Polly 
gives Lorraine the take-out food.

ROLL CREDITS
							DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. WALLY AND HORTON'S HOUSES - DAY

Music continues over.  Wally and Horton are both mowing their lawns 
Gordie bounces around on his pogo stick, packing two six shooters.  A 
horn honks, they all look up and wave, as a massive, convertible 
Isotta Fraschini touring car drives by, Tidman at the wheel, Newt 
and Grandad in the rear.  They wave.  Newt honks his rubber horn as 
the car moves out of sight.

Polly and Lorraine, chatting over the fence, both carrying their 
new born INFANTS, wave to the passing car.  As the car moves on, 
Polly and Lorraine return to their conversation, fussing over the 
babies. 

The Infants are dead ringers for Wally and Horton.

							FADE TO BLACK:

			THE END







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